Itachibi
by TigerInTheMoonlight
Summary: Tobi just wanted to help Deidara-sempai...but now everybody is mad, they are in the past and Itachi is a kid! Time Travel. Rated for Hidan's swearing.
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer : If I owned 'Naruto' it would be called 'Itachi' and be a lot darker, and badass. More of the dark side of the Ninja lifestyle.**

**This randomly jumped into my head and was like 'come on…you know you want to write it…do it or I'll harass you!' And so it did harass me. So I finally agreed. Outsmarted by my own imagination. **

**Ok in this fic Tobi is Madara, but had lost his memory and actually acts like Tobi, until he regains them and becomes Madara. ****Tobi is not faking the…idiocy.**** Possibly brain damaged? Hmm…**

Deidara was sulking again on the roof of their newest hideout. _Stupid fucking Uchiha,_ he thought, tossing another clay bird roughly into the night air before shouting "**Katsu!"** and exploding it. He was using his weakest clay, as he did not want to wake up the rest of the Akatsuki.

Deidara did not like being in the Akatsuki. Sure, he could blow stuff up and annoy Kisame but…he hated that he was forced into it! That cheating teme Itachi, using those shitty eyes to defeat him, it wasn't fair!

"If only I had fucking known about not looking in his eyes, un." Deidara grumbled to himself, moulding another bird in his left palm.

After another hour or so of venting his frustrations, Deidara went back inside to sleep. But what he didn't know was that his idiot of a partner Tobi had been watching him. And he had thought up a plan…oh Kami no.

"Tobi will help Deidara-sempai!" The masked Akatsuki member cried.

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The members of Akatsuki were in various places around the hideout that morning, except Leader-sama, Konan and Kakuzu, who were in their monthly meeting to discuss the organisation's finances. They had left at an ungodly hour, as Kakuzu always looked forward to these meetings.

Kisame was in the kitchen, chowing down on whatever leftovers he could find in the large, industrial fridge. Hidan was preforming his daily ritual, in the process of driving a Kunai through his heart and screaming to Jashin-sama. Zetsu was in the garden, arguing with himself over which plant was his favourite, but trying not to offend the plants...they were listening. Itachi was presumably brooding in his room, away from everybody else. Deidara had just woken up, and was in a bad mood. He had not slept much last night. Tobi was jumping around ecstatically.

"Everybody, everybody! Come quick!" Tobi shouted in an urgent tone, which automatically alerted the members. Tobi rarely sounded so serious.

Deidara flung open his door in alarm and annoyance, thankfully being fully dressed, as he had fallen asleep in his clothes last night. Black cloaks with red clouds came flying from all directions as the Akatsuki members arrived to see what had happened, Hidan bleeding heavily. Well, everybody except Itachi had come. He just simply didn't care. The rest of them stood crowded in the narrow hallway, glaring at the cheerful Tobi.

"Tobi did it, Tobi did it! Tobi is a good boy!" he said while clapping as he jumped up and down, causing Kisame to sweatdrop, Zetsu to twitch and Deidara to start moulding his explosive clay. Hidan lifted his scythe threateningly, its three blades gleaming with his own blood, from the ritual of course.

"What! Tobi this had better be fucking important or I swear to Jashin-sama I will sacrifice your retarded ass." Hidan growled. He _hated_ his rituals being interrupted.

"I remembered it all! Now Tobi can help Deidara-sempai!"

Kisame's eye twitched and he reached casually for Samehada, which was strapped to his back. "Tobi," he said, "What the _hell_ are you on about? And you had better answer like a normal person this time or I'll shave that mask right off."

Tobi eeped, but quickly ran through some handsigns.

"Tobi will show you!" he yelled happily.

At first, nothing happened. But then, the corridor seemed to darken and Tobi's orange mask swirled rapidly, and in a blink of bright light, the hallway was empty.

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Birds were startled out of their trees by a loud crash in the forest beneath them as five S-class criminals hit the ground, on top of each other.

"Tobi! What happened, un!" Deidara cried from under the dog pile. He was being poked by Hidan's scythe! That thing was sharp!

"Tobi remembered a special jutsu Deidara-sempai! A time-space teleport…ination jutsu! Tobi is a good boy?" Tobi asked with a hopeful look on his face, under the mask.

"What the fuck do you mean a time-space jutsu you fucking dumbass!" Hidan yelled, "And Kisame get your blue ass off me you mutated shark spawn!"

"I would be _thrilled_ to Hidan. But, _TOBI IS SITTING ON ME_!" the blue shark-man yelled back to the Jashinist.

Zetsu, who was on the bottom of the Akatsuki pile, simply sunk himself into the ground to escape, and rose back up a metre away.

"This could be very bad." Zetsu's white half murmured. "**For once I agree with you."** Black Zetsu said.

After finally untangling themselves and brushing the dirt off their cloaks, the Akatsuki looked around warily.

"Tobi un, where the heck are we?" Deidara demanded, voicing all their thoughts.

"Tobi took us back in time so you can defeat Itachi-san Deidara-sempai! 'Cause now you know not to look at his scary Sharingan eyes! Tobi is a-"

"_WHAAT_! TOBI WHAT DID YOU DO? TOBI IS A BAD BOY, VERY BAD!" Deidara screamed, clutching his head. He felt a migraine coming on.

"What the fuck Tobi you idiotic bastard, Deidara can't beat Itachi even if he knows that, you useless son of a bitch!" Hidan spat. Sure, he was immortal, so time didn't really matter. But still, he was pissed!

"Tobi, per**haps that was n**ot your bes**t idea."** Zetsu told the heartbroken boy…or was Tobi too old to be called a boy?...Well he certainly was not a _man_ so boy it was, age be damned.

Tobi sniffled behind his mask. "D-Deidara-sempai is angry with Tobi?"

"YES! We don't know where the hell we are, how do we even know you did the Jutsu right?" Deidara hissed at his cowering partner.

"Yeah," Kisame put in, "And I don't see any Itachi around here, do you Tobi?" he said sarcastically, gesturing around the forest.

"**Actually,"** Zetsu said in surprise, "We can **sense Ita**chi-san's chakra**signature about **a hundred or so met**res in that direction**." He stated, pointing to the right. Zetsu never said 'I', always 'we' when referring to himself.

"Then what in Jashin-sama's name are we waiting for mother fuckers! Let's go." Hidan spun around and began walking in the general direction of the Uchiha.

Kisame shrugged and followed him, Deidara, Zetsu and Tobi behind him. Tobi was skipping like a five year old girl in a flower field, but they were used to it by now, and paid it no thought.

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The five Akatsuki members stumbled out of the trees, finally reaching Itachi's chakra signature, after no less than two hours of getting lost amongst the thick forest. They had arrived at a large practice clearing. There was twelve round targets set up in multiple places, as well as training dummies that looked as if they had been in a warzone, and killed many times over.

In the centre were two small boys, both with black hair. The Akatsuki stayed hidden in the shadows of some large trees, confused. One of the children had his hair tied back in a short ponytail, and the other had odd spikes. The elder of the two looked no older than eight or nine, and the younger was probably around three or four years old. The smaller boy was crying.

"A-Aniki, w-why do I haf to leave? I wan'a stay wif you!" he whimpered, rubbing his eyes with the back of his dark sleeves. It was then that the Akatsuki noticed the Uchiha fan on the backs ok both the boy's jackets. _What…?_

The older sighed, holding the bridge of his nose. "Otouto, because I said so. And since I am older you have to do what I say. Now go to Kaa-san."

"_Aniki!_" the younger whined, pulling on his older brother's shirt.

"_Now_ Sasuke." The longer haired child ordered, pointing sternly in the direction of where their house presumably was. Glaring, the younger boy –Sasuke-, ran out of the clearing, screaming out as he went.

"You're a _meanie_ Itachi!"

The Akatsuki's jaws dropped._ ITACHI? NO WAY! This kid couldn't possibly-_

Itachi turned around, now facing his future colleagues. "Come out now, before I kill you all." He demanded, and his eyes bled red. His face was emotionless, but scary. And he was just a kid!

…_Holy SHIT its Itachi. _Is what ran through four of the five's minds…Tobi was just happy that his Jutsu actually worked! If a little too well…

It was silent for a moment, before Deidara could take it no more.

"It's a Chibi Itachi, un! He's, like…Itachibi!" the artist exclaimed, and Itachi looked at Deidara as if he was insane.

Kisame giggled at his partner's…rather fitting nickname. Yes, as if this day could not get any weirder, the great, fearsome shark-man had actually giggled.

"...Well th**is is awkw**ard." Zetsu said, nodding in agreement with himself.

Tobi began to dance around the clearing, singing to himself, "Itachibi, Itachibi, is so sca-ry!"

Itachi carefully hid a sweatdrop. Who were these fools? They certainly did not act like threats, but Itachi knew not to let down his guard._ Ita…chibi? I am not a child! I am a Shinobi of Konoha!_

"Stop it! Now I demand to know who you are and what you are doing on the private Uchiha training grounds. Judging by your slashed Hi-ates – except the masked one- you are Missing-nin. I should kill you now, but I want an explanation. How do you know who I am and why are you here. So explain."

Silence.

Then, Hidan.

"HOLY JASHIN-SAMA ITACHI WAS TALKING A SHITLOAD! DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT KISAME, THE LITTLE PRICK WAS THREATENING US TOO! I'm gonna sacrifice him." He decided, lifting his scythe.

Deidara gasped, "Hidan you baka! You can't sacrifice him, he's a fucking kid! And he could probably still beat us at least one-on-one anyway." Deidara absolutely _hated_ Itachi, that was true. But if there was only one moral he stood by, it was no killing children…unless they were collateral damage for his art. Then, it was simply unavoidable. When he had found Sasori-no-Danna's stash of human children puppets –made from only a few _extremely_ talented kids-, he had turned them into his own kind of artwork. The children would have appreciated going from the world with a bang.

Itachi was furious now, and his Sharingan was spinning, both two tomoes blurring with their speed.

Kisame gulped. He had been Itachi's partner long enough to know that if you ignore him…the consequences hurt. He caved.

"We got here through some weird time-space transportation Jutsu Itachi-san. We know who you are because in our time, you are – what? Twenty-one? Yeah. I'm Kisame…your future partner in the Akatsuki."

"Akatsuki?" Itachi questioned warily, keeping his glare steady.

"Yeah, it's an organisation of Missing-nin. All of us are part of it, including me un." Deidara said offhandedly._ Because of you! Cheater!_

"I will not be a Missing-nin" Itachi said with an even more bone-chilling glare.

"Yeah you will, you kill your whole clan, un!" Deidara told the boy, flipping his long blonde hair back over his shoulder.

"You're lying!" Itachi growled harshly, upsetting Tobi.

"Deidara-sempai isn't lying! Itachibi it is true, you did!" Tobi told the Uchiha.

"**Yes, ho**wever you **did no**t kill you**r bro**ther." Zetsu reasoned, playing the peacemaker. Hidan ruined it.

"I want to be here when he does it! Jashin-sama will love the sacrifices…" Hidan shouted, getting a dreamy look in his eyes.

"No, un!" The blonde yelled. Everybody looked at him in shock.

"Deidara?" Kisame looked down at the artist in surprise.

"I will not let Itachibi turn into the teme he is today!...Or in the future, whatever! We will stop the massacre from happening, un. Hell, we could even teach the Uchiha-gaki something. It'll be fun, un!" Deidara said firmly. _If he never kills his clan, he won't join Akatsuki, and I will never be forced to either! Genius!_ Deidara thought proudly.

"I agree with Deidara-sempai! We must help Itachibi to not be Itachi-san! He is good when he's cute-scary but not when he's bad-scary!" Tobi waved his arms around wildly for emphasis. They all jumped when they heard Itachi speak.

"You…are not lying. I can see when people are lying." He looked at them with his Sharingan, scrutinising the five Akatsuki members for any signs of ill intent. He found none. "If you will help me stop it…I will not turn you in. I'll hide you from the village, but only if you give me your word you will not harm it!"

"Course we won't. We have no reason to." Kisame said, and then turned to Tobi. "Tobi, how long does your Jutsu last? The massacre isn't for about four or five years yet."

"It lasts forever unless Tobi does the time-space reverse version! …But Tobi does not remember that part."

Kisame, Hidan and Deidara face faulted, while Zetsu and Itachi face palmed.

_Is this guy serious?_ Itachi wondered._ These bakas will help me save my clan?...We are all doomed._

Deidara sprang up from the ground, smiling widely.

"Well Itachibi I guess we have a deal then! I am Deidara the artist, un. The plant-guy is Zetsu – he has split personalities- oh, and he's a cannibal. You already know Kisame is the shark-man, and the masked moron is Tobi. The one with the potty-mouth is Hidan, a Jashinist priest, un. From now on, Itachibi, we are your Senseis!"

Itachi's brow creased slightly._ Why do I feel like I just made a huge mistake?_

**Ok, so now that that is done. Should I continue? Yes, No, or What the hell were you thinking?**

**-TITM**


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: What part of 'I live in Australia' makes you think I am Masashi Kishimoto?**

**Well, I decided to continue! Thanks to those who encouraged me to write the next chapter, this is dedicated to you! Enjoy!**

Itachi sat at the dinner table, absentmindedly pushing rice around his plate with his chopsticks. His mother was giving him a concerned look while still trying to pay attention to Sasuke, who was telling them about his day. His father was too busy ignoring them all to notice.

"-Then Aniki throwed the Kunai and it went like _whoosh_ 'nd SLAM into the bulls-eye! I wanted t' try but Aniki said 'No'..." his Otouto pouted, sending Itachi a weak glare from the corner of his eyes.

Itachi suppressed the urge to roll his own eyes at the boy. It was then that Fugaku decided to join in the table talk.

"Itachi, how many hours have you been training? You must not allow Sasuke to distract you." Fugaku said sternly, pointing at Itachi with one of his chopsticks.

"I train between five and seven hours a day Tou-san." Itachi told his father in an inflectionless tone.

Fugaku glared. "That is unacceptable Itachi! Now that you have graduated from the Academy you should devote all of your time not spent on missions to becoming stronger! You are the heir Itachi, you cannot afford such laziness."

"Hai Tou-san."

Fugaku sighed in annoyance, before leaving the table. Mikoto watched him go silently, with saddened eyes._ Fugaku…my husband, you have been growing colder…_

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Itachi grabbed his weapons pouch and headed for the back door, stopping only when his mother called out to him from the kitchen.

"Itachi…where are you going? It's getting dark out…" she said in a worried tone. Ninja or not, he was still her child.

"I'm going to train Kaa-san…I won't be too long." He said, closing the door and sprinting off into the forest.

And was sucked into the ground.

He emerged from the dirt, held by Zetsu who was smirking at the Uchiha's rather pale face. Itachi looked around, and saw the masked guy –Tobi- harassing the blonde called Deidara, who looked close to blowing him up. The fish Kiso…no, Kisame was leaning again a large tree trunk and twitching, until he noticed them.

Kisame straightened up automatically at seeing Itachi, forgetting for a moment that this was the younger version. He still had that…intimidating aura…Kisame shuddered inwardly. Outwardly, he gave the small boy a fierce grin, showing off his pointed teeth.

"Oi Zetsu! You found the chibi!" he shouted, rubbing his meaty hands together in anticipation. Time for payback! For all those glares…the patronising 'Hn'ing…_time to torture the Itachibi_.

Itachi would have leaned away from the positively terrifying happiness on the shark's face, but he was an Uchiha. A loud crashing and swearing drifted through the wind and into the clearing. Followed by a blood-soaked Hidan.

_Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy…_Itachi mused, wondering how on earth his mind had overlooked the silver haired man's presence, or lack thereof.

Itachi's eyes threatened to bug out of his head when he saw the quantity of blood covering the Missing-nin.

"You said you would not harm the village! Who did you kill? Answer me!" Itachi growled threateningly, getting into a defensive stance.

"Oh great, the fucking gaki is bitchin' again. I was preforming my ritual for Jashin-sama, since a certain shithead interrupted me earlier."

"…What ritual." Itachi said, deadpanned. It was not a question, but a demand.

"Sacrifice un!" the blonde artist spoke up, "He usually sacrifices people when he can –sadistic asshole- but his daily ritual usually consists of him fatally injuring himself. Unfortunately for us, he's immortal, un."

"And a masichristic!" Tobi added in cheerfully. Deidara gave him a look of distaste.

"He's masochistic Tobi, un. Opposite of sadistic, though he's that too. Fucking freak, un." Deidara snorted. Hidan twitched, raising his scythe's three blades threateningly.

"Says the fucking transvestite with mouths on his hands. Dirty transgender slut, go get your hands to blow Kisame, or better yet TOBI, UN."

"What the fuck is wrong with saying 'un', un! And take that back Hidan, if anybody is a woman it's you Mr. Spend-Two-hours-In-Front-Of-The-Mirror-Fixing-My-Hair-VANITY! And I am straight!"

Tobi was scratching his head in confusion. "Hidan-san…Deidara-sempai would blow Tobi where? Tobi is not a birthday candle! Tobi is confused." He said, putting his head in his hands and trying his hardest to figure it out.

Zetsu felt a hand reach his side, forcibly getting his attention. He was met by serious blank eyes.

"Take me away from here before what is left of my innocence is shredded." Itachi ordered.

"…Ag**reed.**"

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"Hey, where did Itachibi go?" Deidara yelled, spinning around, "Zetsu stole him!"

Kisame looked across the clearing in shock…_Damn that Zetsu!_ He wanted to get back at the chibi for the future! He growled in an animalistic way.

"Hidan! Come with me…you can sacrifice Zetsu." The blue man said, stalking off. Hidan trotted after him happily, swinging his scythe like a grim reaper.

"Yeah! You had better get Itachibi back u-OH HELL NO THEY LEFT ME WITH TOBI, UN!" Deidara exclaimed in fury.

"D-Deidara-sempai is still mad at Tobi?" the masked man-child muttered dejectedly.

"SHUT UP TOBI! I'll blow you up with my C-4 un." The artist warned.

Tobi's ears perked up. "Blow? Deidara-sempai will tell Tobi where now?"

The blonde's face turned red with embarrassment and anger. FUCK no he wasn't giving his partner "The Talk". Tobi can just die a virgin. Itachibi on the other hand…

Deidara was chuckling evilly and rubbing her palms together, ignoring the lip burn it gave him. He couldn't wait to see the baby Uchiha's face…_this is the best revenge EVER._

Deidara leapt away and went off to plan. Tobi blinked in surprise at being suddenly alone. He shrugged, deciding to play with the friendly squirrels instead.

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"So how is this 'Sensei' thing going to work?" Itachi questioned the plant man, who shrugged.

"**We wi**ll each** te**ach y**ou things to m**ake you **eve**n strong**er.**" Zetsu said in unison. White Zetsu snorted and muttered, "As if he needs to be any stronger." The yellow eye of Black Zetsu glared at the white half, turning him cross eyed. **"But the possibilities shall be endless. Imagine the snacks he will provide…"** Black Zetsu chuckled darkly, licking his lips. "Oh, yes…" White Zetsu smiled.

Itachi wanted to back away from the frightening cannibal, but as an Uchiha he could not run away! It was against his nature to even consider doing so. He stood his ground.

"And what will you be teaching me _Zetsu-sensei_?" The prodigy asked, raising his infamous eyebrow.

"We will b**e responsible **for traini**ng you in **to beco**me an undetecta**ble spy."

Itachi nodded, satisfied. "And the others?"

"**Kisam**e will be tea**ching you i**n the ways** of the swo**rd. De**idara the e**xplosive a**rts and Hida**n will instruc**t you in torture a**nd interrogation, sin**ce he canno**t be killed."

"What about that Tobi guy?" Itachi questioned.

"If you fi**nd anything ab**out him wor**th learning th**en by all means **you are welcome t**o him." Zetsu offered, and turned towards a rustling sound.

Kisame and an excited Hidan stumbled out of the dense brush.

"Ha, ha found you fucking bitches!" Hidan enthused while Kisame showed off his pointed teeth.

"Dibs on first session with Itachibi." The blue man grinned.

"Kisame you closet Paedophile are you gonna rape him? I thought only Orochimaru was into that shit." Hidan accused.

"SHUT UP HIDAN! I'm warning you, I'll shave you in two, and Kakuzu isn't here to put you back together again this time!" Kisame snarled, reaching for Samehada.

Hidan scoffed. "Terror fills my immortal soul dipshit." Kisame snarled.

"What I meant was I train with the kid first. After eight years partnered with him I deserve at least that." He proclaimed in determination.

"Whatever shitty-fishy, just pray that Jashin-sama is on your side when I'm done training the gaki."

"Jashin gets fucking anal off Kami, S & M style, so he suits you perfectly!" Kisame hissed. He was so sick of hearing about '_Jashin-sama_.' Hidan saw red.

"BLASPHEMY! FUCK, YOU HAD BETTER RUN KISAME!" Hidan screamed as he chased the shark man into the trees, throwing his scythe ahead of him.

…

…

…

…

"…They forgot about us again, didn't they Zetsu?" Itachi sighed in irritation.

"It ap**pears so** Itachi-**chan.**" The green man shook his head.

"Do not call me Itachi-chan." The Uchiha demanded, before stalking away in the direction of his house. There was no point in staying now.

"**Ver**y wel**l…**Itachi**bi.**" Zetsu whispered, smirking at the boy's retreating figure.

What fun this was turning out to be. And training had not even begun yet.

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"Tou-san, I have a mission today, so I may be home late again." Itachi monotoned at the breakfast table a few days later. Fugaku nodded in approval.

"Excellent Itachi, it will not be long now before you are promoted to chunin, perhaps even in this year's coming exams. They are taking place in Iwagakure this year, I believe. You truly are my child." Fugaku smirked with misplaced pride.

"Fugaku!" Mikoto exclaimed in shock, "We can't send him to Iwa! The amnesty since the war-"

"Silence Mikoto! Iwa can do nothing during the exams without breaking the exam's treaty and possibly starting another war. They have not yet recovered enough to risk that." Fugaku ground out through his teeth, almost spitting rice.

Sasuke was shrinking back from the table. He hated it when Tou-san and Kaa-san argued. Tou-san always got angry, and Kaa-san would cry in their room after. Tou-san got even madder when she cried. Aniki got mad too, but only at Tou-san, for making Kaa-san sad. Sasuke didn't want his family to fight.

The meal ended in an awkward silence, and Itachi left without saying a word to anyone. He made his way through the darkened forest, knowing automatically where to go. He eventually arrived at an abandoned watch post from Konoha's past. The wooden structure was near falling apart, and had vines creeping over the outside walls. He pushed open the shaky door, the squeak of the hinges announcing his arrival.

The cabin-like building had a small kitchen, with a dining table only a few metres away. There was a single bathroom and three bedrooms, which Deidara, Hidan and Kisame occupied. Zetsu had said that he was perfectly comfortable sleeping outside in a tree and Tobi was given the old blue couch in what could pass as the lounge room. In this room there were also two armchairs, matching the couch, and a reasonably sized television. Thankfully, there was still working electricity and plumbing. Itachi knew for a fact that there was no TV when he brought them here two days ago…but he decided to turn a metaphoric blind eye, just this once.

Kisame sat on the couch next to Deidara. Tobi was flitting around in the kitchen because 'Deidara-sempai wanted food' and Hidan was lounging on an armchair, predictably holding his scythe across his lap. Zetsu was nowhere to be seen, presumably collecting various plants from the forest again. At hearing Itachi's entrance, Deidara jumped up and started clapping his hands in undiluted happiness.

"Itachibi un! You're early, thank Kami! Kisame was watching Animal Planet again and it's _BORING_, un_."_ Deidara informed the emotionless boy.

"Shh! Deidara you fool the great white is about to get the seal!" Kisame shushed the blonde, who rolled his eyes.

"See what I mean?" he asked rhetorically.

The great white shark's head soared above the water line, and it's huge white teeth latched into the significantly smaller grey mammal. Crimson blood flew in all directions as the seal's body was torn in two by the mighty beast, before the great white sunk back down into the oceans depths, leaving only a red stain in the water.

Hidan was cackling madly. "That was fucking _beautiful_ Kisame. I finally see why you watch this shit!"

Kisame had a wide grin splitting his face. "Nature is a bitch….I'm hungry." He said, standing up and walking to the kitchen, just as Tobi ran out carrying a plate. He proudly presented the clumsily shaped rice balls to Deidara, who shrugged before taking one and biting into it. The blonde's face became blue as he choked it back up.

"TOBI! What the _hell_ did you put in this un?" Deidara coughed.

"Tobi put in what Deidara-sempai likes, all together! Rice, pudding, pocky, tea and dried fish! Tobi is a good boy?" the masked man asked innocently. Deidara's face became shadowed.

"Tobi." He said calmly.

"Hai Deidara-sempai?" Tobi chirped.

"…You are never to enter the kitchen again, un. Unless I say otherwise…are we clear un?" the blonde whispered, trying to restrain his anger and frustration at his partner.

"H-hai…Tobi is sorry Deidara-sempai…Tobi will go clean Deidara-sempai's room now." He stuttered and scurried off towards his sempai's room down the hall.

"Good. But touch my clay and your dead un." Deidara threatened sharply.

Itachi stayed silent throughout the whole fiasco. Unfortunately he was becoming used to it. Deidara looked back down at the chibi is pure excitement. _Well he changed moods rather quickly…_Itachi mused.

"Now Itachibi, un. Our training session will be…a little different. Follow me, un!" the artist exclaimed, pumping a fist into the air and strutting out of the building. Itachi reluctantly strode after him.

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"Why are we here Deidara-sensei?" Itachi droned in a bored fashion, although he was genuinely curious.

"Well Itachibi, you how what, ten now un?" the blonde began.

"Eight." The Uchiha told the Pyromaniac.

"Hai, hai, as I was saying, it is time for you to understand the truth un." Deidara's visible blue eye glittered with anticipation.

"Truth? What truth." Itachi's eyes narrowed.

"The truth of where YOU!" the blonde emphasised, pointing sharply at the perplexed child. "Came from, un."

"I come from Konohagakure Deidara-sensei." Itachi said stating the seemingly obvious.

"No, no Itachibi! _Before_ that, un." The blonde said, waggling his finger as he corrected the dark haired boy. " Now take a seat and get comfortable Uchiha…we have a lot to get through, un."

Itachi's brow creased slightly in confusion, but nevertheless he sat on the ground and listened to what Deidara had to say.

Oh, how he wished he hadn't.

**Ok, done! I really have very little planning to do before writing this story, it's just whatever comes to mind (or is it muse?) at the time…explaining the pure randomness of it.**

**-TITM**


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto he would learn something other than Kage Bunshin and variations of the Rasengan! Grr! And no, Kyuubi powers don't count..**

**Wow it's been another week already? *sweatdrop* I think I'm killing myself here! Three chapters a week for my three stories! I am officially an idiot…**

Itachi stared at his hands in shock. He felt vaguely disgusted. To think that…THAT was how he had come to be on this earth…he shuddered. One thing was for sure, he would never look at his Otouto the same way again. Let alone his parents…Deidara-sensei had been very thorough in his explanations, even going so far as to use his extra mouths on a life-sized clay woman…he…licked her…Oh Kami he had to stop thinking about it before he did something drastic, like wipe his own memory clean.

Itachi was leaning against a tree in the forest, waiting for the Jashinist to arrive. This was his first lesson on torture and he had to admit he was a little hesitant. Hidan soon came trumping through the forest, pulling leaves out of his styled hair.

"Fucking nature…should go suck some cock…kill it…Jashin… "He grumbled angrily.

"Hidan-sensei?" Itachi tried to get the purple eyed man's attention.

"What the hell do you want gaki? I don't have time for you mini-teme, I've got shit to do." He told the child sourly. Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"You are supposed to be training me."

"Huh? Oh yeah! This is gonna be fucking amazing." Hidan's eyes lit up, he was excited! He was anticipating the pain to the point of almost trembling.

Itachi saw the look in Hidan's eyes…and suddenly was very wary.

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"Oooh YEAH! Right there, more, more dammit!" Hidan screamed in ecstasy.

Itachi pulled the Kunai out of the man's nervous system and poured more acid into his flesh.

"FUCK! Oh Jashin-sama, YES!" the man cried as he writhed in pain. Itachi paused.

"Hidan-sensei…isn't this…"

"IF YOU FUCKING STOP I'M SLITTING YOUR GODDAMNED THROAT!" Hidan yelled.

Itachi gulped just a bit, before dumping all of the remaining acid onto the man, watching in horror and sick fascination as it sizzled upon impact.

"Ahh, AHH! Shit!" Hidan panted, "Now, use the Scythe, THE SCYTHE!"

Itachi nodded rapidly and lifted the large tri-blade, stabbing his Sensei through the chest.

"Aagh! Fuck, fuck yes, oh SHIT!" Hidan moaned. "Deeper. Harder!"

Itachi obliged.

"The arteries, HIT THE MOTHER FUCKING ARTIRIES!"

Itachi twisted the Scythe as much as was possible while it was lodged in Hidan's body, destroying the internal organs. Hidan screamed as the pleasure and agony proved too much.

When the screaming died down, the Jashinist was left sweat soaked and breathless.

"Itachibi," he gasped, "Gaki, we are SO doing this again."

Itachi stepped out of the ritualistic circle and dropped Hidan's Scythe. He was covered in blood, from his face to his feet.

What a disturbing training session.

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Itachi sat crouched in the middle of a stream, furiously washing the blood off his clothes before it stained. Thank Kami the Uchiha clan wore dark clothes. If Kaa-san saw the blood she would fly into a panic. And then there would be questions.

Itachi was wringing the reddened water from his hair when a figure rose from the riverbank. Both the Black and the White sides of Zetsu tried to seem cool by raising a single eyebrow, but because they both had the same idea Zetsu just came across as bewildered.

"Y**ou train**ed with **Hidan** I presu**me?"** Zetsu deducted, taking in the gory ripples around the Uchiha.

"Hai."

"Poor child." White Zetsu muttered. Black Zetsu ignored himself.** "Come, it is time for our lesson."**

"Hai Zetsu-sensei." Itachi bowed his head and made his way out of the water and towards the plant man.

"**So Chi**bi, who shall** we spy on** hmm?" Zetsu asked with a lopsided smirk, as the White side couldn't be bothered.

"…My Otouto. He won't be able to sense he's being watched. He's too young." Itachi decided. Zetsu nodded in agreement.

"Very we**ll, where is y**our brother?" The plant man asked. Itachi thought for a moment.

"At the park most likely. Kaa-san brings him there to play with the other children when she is too busy to watch him. It has a protection jutsu surrounding it, so many other clans do the same."

Zetsu put his hand on the boy and they sunk into the earth.

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Sasuke sat under a tree at the park, slowly eating his Onigiri. He was_ really_ hungry, but eating too fast wasn't good manners Kaa-san said. He giggled when he realised his rice ball had a face like Aniki! It even had the eye lines! Kaa-san was funny.

He looked around the green area, at where some kids were playing. They looked near his age. There was a boy lying on the grass, he looked asleep! And a blonde girl was playing with flowers…and a chubby boy eating LOTS of chips. The blonde girl ran over and kicked the lazy boy to show him her flowers, but he ignored her. Another boy was crawling through the bushes, it looked like he was trying to catch bugs! That boy had weird glasses.

Sasuke turned in the other direction and saw two kids from that clan Tou-san doesn't like…the 'White-eyes'. There was a girl and a boy, and the boy kept rubbing a strange mark on his head. Behind them was a boy with brown crazy hair that was laughing and falling over his feet as he ran over to a _big_ dog that was watching him carefully.

He saw a girl with fairy-hair in the sandbox, trying to build a castle. She must have been a civilian, no Ninja had pink hair! Sitting on a swing on the other end of the park was a blonde boy who looked sad. Sasuke wondered why he was sad…Tou-san had said he was a _bad_ boy and he should stay away! But Kaa-san said he wasn't _really_ bad. Maybe he should ask Aniki who was right –Itachi knew everything. His Aniki was REALLY smart.

A part of Sasuke wished he could go and play with the other kids…but he was unsure. Would they like him? Tou-san didn't think he was good for much, so why would they want a disgraced friend? Sasuke wished more than anything he was strong like his Aniki, so people would want him around.

He was sure that Itachi must have LOTS of friends.

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Itachi frowned, for once actually allowing himself to openly do so. Zetsu looked down at the boy questionably.

"**What i**s bothering** you runt?**" the green man asked.

"…He is alone." Itachi stated.

"**So?" **Zetsu shrugged.

"I…don't want him to be like me. He should have friends." Itachi said slowly, struggling to articulate his feelings.

"Why? F**riendship is** overr**ated**." Zetsu snorted.

"He deserves a childhood Zetsu-sensei. A better one than my own." The Uchiha sternly told his Sensei.

"**Yo**urs w**as so **terrible?" the plant man inquired curiously.

"It was non-existent." Itachi blandly informed him.

"I s**ee…"** And Zetsu did. Was this one of the things that drove their time's Itachi to be so cold and antisocial? Well, they would just have to change that, wouldn't they?

"**Come **Chibi**…it is tim**e for your Kenju**tsu with Kisame."**

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"No, no no!_ Downward slice _Itachibi! That was a spitter! _Again!"_ Kisame demanded. He was really getting into this teaching thing. It wasn't everyday he got to boss _Itachi_ around. The kid swung again.

"Rotate your grip! You'll never get anywhere holding it so tightly, you must think of the blade as an extension of yourself!" Kisame yelled.

Itachi twitched, but did as he was told. He loosed his hold and this time it cut the air more fluidly. Kisame grinned.

"_That's_ better! Now, spread your legs a little wider –good. Ok it's time to learn a basic style."

Itachi nodded and dropped his stance, catching his breath. Kisame looked at him thoughtfully.

"Judging from what you've shown, I'd say a Tachi would suit you best."

"…Is that an attempt at humour Kisame-sensei?" Itachi asked drily.

"What? Oh, I get it. No, the name is pure coincidence." He explained, inwardly snickering about Itachi with a Tachi…he couldn't have planned it better!

Itachi nodded. "Very well, I will buy one from the weapons store."

"Get a good quality one kid, nothing worse than a shitty blade when you're in a Kenjutsu duel." The swordsman advised.

"I understand Kisame-sensei. Thank you for the lesson, but I must be returning home before my extended absence is questioned." Itachi bowed.

"Yeah, yeah cya tomorrow brat, stay out of trouble." Kisame said, waving his hand dismissively.

"Of course."

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"Nooo! Tobi is sorry, TOBI IS SORRY!" The plea echoed through the cabin.

"Get back here un! You must be PUNISHED!" Deidara shouted.

"Deidara-sempai, don't hurt Tobi! Tobi is-" Tobi begged as he ran in circles from the blonde.

"If you were sorry you wouldn't have kept doing it you bastard! You're dead, un!" Deidara snarled, leaping over the table and cutting Tobi off from the door.

"But Tobi just wanted to help his squirrel friends! Tobi even named them – Ureshii, Okashii and Kawaii!" (AN: Happy, Funny and Cute) He sprinted in the other direction.

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, UN! You fed them my fucking clay!" Deidara screamed, his face turning red. He reared his head backwards, "HIDAN!"

Hidan poked his head out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel. He was dripping wet.

"What the fuck are you two bitches screaming about now? I WAS IN THE FUCKING SHOWER!"

Deidara huffed angrily and pointed at Tobi. "The baka fed my best clay to some tree rodents, un! SACRIFICE HIM!"

"No! Tobi doesn't want to be sacrificed! Tobi will get squirrel friends to give Deidara-sempai's clay back!" he exclaimed, running out the door.

"I DON'T WANT VOMITED UP CLAY YOU RETARD, UN!"

Kisame walked through the door, almost being barrelled over by the blonde chasing Tobi.

"What did I miss?"

"**Katsu!"**

…

**BOOM!** The small cabin shook.

…

…

…

"…Ah, hahahahahaha! Take that Tobi, un! BYE-BYE CLAY EATERS!" Deidara laughed hysterically. Kisame and Hidan made for the door. Tobi started crying.

"NOOOOO! Ureshii! Kawaii…Okashii! You are all everywhere! Don't worry, Tobi will put you back together!"

Hidan whistled from the doorway, his head turning in every direction. "Damn, even that bastard Kakuzu wouldn't be able to put THIS back together. Nice Deidara." He grinned appreciatively, rubbing his Jashin amulet.

Tobi was sniffling as he picked up entrails and tried mushing them together. When that didn't work, he began to sob.

Zetsu rose from the ground and licked his lips. "We thou**ght we smel**led a tr**eat."**

Kisame sighed in annoyance and went inside, flopping on the couch and taking possession of the remote. Not more than fifteen minutes into Jaws he was interrupted by a fuming Chibi.

"What happened." Itachi demanded. Kisame tried to look over his head.

"What are you on about Itachibi? I'm trying to watch-"

"The whole village felt that explosion. And since it is unlikely any Konoha Ninja would do something of that calibre in training, as was concluded, I assume Deidara is involved." His eyes narrowed dangerously. "Not to mention the stench of blood outside."

Kisame sighed. "Perceptive as always Itachi. But it was just the artist blowing up wildlife. Zetsu must've already cleaned up…"

Itachi's eyes bled red. "And where, pray tell, is Deidara?" he asked, deceptively calm. Kisame paled to a sky blue tone.

"In his room."

"Thank you Kisame." Itachi replied, breezing past the huge man. Kisame gulped. How that hell does the brat do it?

Itachi arrived at a door that had _'Deidara-sempai's room!' _painted on the surface, followed by what was presumed to be a smiley face and a misshaped love heart. Itachi knocked lightly on the wood.

"What un! Tobi, piss off." The occupant growled.

"It is Itachi, Deidara. Open the door, if you please." He subtly ordered. The voice perked up considerably.

"Oh, Itachibi? Just a sec, un." A series of locks and bolts were heard being undone, causing the young Itachi to raise his eyebrow again. These people never stopped surprising and amusing him. The blonde whipped his head out, checking for any sign of his infuriating partner. Seeing none, he focused on the gaki.

"Yeah? What's up, un."

"The village is in a panic because some fool set off high powered explosives in the forest. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this phenomenon, would you?" It was then that Deidara noticed the kid's Sharingan was active. _Oh shit…I'm dead now._

"No…" he weakly told Itachi, not making eye contact. Itachi's glare heightened.

"Deidara."

"…It was Tobi's fault, un." He squeaked, slamming the door shut in the Uchiha's face. The clanking of metal signalled the relocking of the door.

Itachi uncharacteristically growled out loud and stormed to Tobi's room.

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Itachi knocked forcefully on the rainbow door, his eye spasming.

"Who is it?" a childish vice sung from behind the threshold.

"Itachi."

"Oh Itachibi came to visit Tobi? Tobi is so happy!" the voice squealed and flung open the door. "Hello!"

Itachi's expression remained blank.

"Oh, look Itachibi's Sharingan is working again!"

Itachi said nothing as he walked into the room.

"Itachibi came to show Tobi? Let Tobi see, let Tobi see!"

"Hai…You will see." The eight year old told the masked man ominously.

"Yay!" Tobi cried and bounced about.

"Sharingan!" the Uchiha boy whispered harshly. They met eyes.

Tobi stopped moving. The room was silent. Suddenly, Itachi yelped and clutched his head in pain, gritting his teeth and gasping.

_What…just happened?_

He removed his hands and his eyes met the small mirror opposite him. His Sharingan was still ablaze.

All six tomoes of them, three to each eye.

**Ooh…Itachi gets his third tomoes! How long until Tobi's identity is revealed?**

**-TITM**


	4. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer: Is Itachi alive? No? Then I obviously had no say in the 'Naruto' plot.**

**Well, here is the next chapter of Itachibi! I can't think of anything much to say without babbling, so on with the story!**

It had been almost a month and a half since the Akatsuki had invaded Itachi's life, and they were constantly surprised at how quickly the boy soaked up their teachings, the good and the bad.

It was dinner time at the Uchiha residence, and Fugaku was scolding Sasuke again. It consisted of the usual, about how when Itachi was his age he could already do the **Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu (Fire Element: Grand Fireball)**, while Sasuke still couldn't hit the bullseye of a target. What a disgraceful child.

Mikoto remained silent, knowing that speaking up to her husband would just lead to another argument. She didn't like how Fugaku pressured their sons, but it was for their own good…right?

Sasuke looked down sadly at his father's reprimand, tears gathering in his dark eyes. His body was filled with shame. Finally, Itachi could take it no more.

"Shut the fuck up you old prick!" he yelled angrily. A moment passed and he realised what he had just said. He shot a hand up to his mouth to prevent any other outbursts.

Mikoto looked about ready to faint, and Sasuke was looking at his Aniki with wide eyes. Fugaku's chopsticks snapped in his grip.

"I-Itachi!" Mikoto gasped. Itachi's heart sank…he was so screwed. Damn that Hidan for corrupting him.

Fugaku's face had become red with fury, but still he said nothing. The calm before the storm. And then, it came.

"UCHIHA ITACHI! WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU INSOLENT BOY? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK IN SUCH A MANNER, LET ALONE TO ME!"

Itachi thought fast. "I apologise Tou-san, I have an upcoming mission in which I must act as a child suffering from Tourette's syndrome…I was ordered to get into character before leaving for the mission. I may have gotten too carried away, and for that I am sincerely regretful." He said, bowing as much as he could while seated.

Mikoto looked relieved and Sasuke mouthed '_oh…'_, pretending he understood. Fugaku glared, but less viciously. He spoke reluctantly.

"Very well Itachi, but do not speak like that ever again outside of a mission. The reputation of our clan cannot be tarnished by such disgraceful behaviour."

"Hai, Tou-san. It will not happen again, un."

"It had better not Itachi. You may go now." Fugaku told him sternly.

Itachi nodded and walked away. Mikoto watched him leave in confusion. _What on earth does 'un' mean?_

Itachi rounded the corner and his emotionless face became a scowl.

_Fucking stuck up bastard…_

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Hidan was strolling casually around Konoha's boarder, avoiding the ANBU patrols. He was absolutely _not_ looking for somebody to sacrifice…even if Jashin-sama's patience was sure to be wearing thin.

Over the time they had been bound to the hidden village Hidan had taken to disposing of any spies, intruders and assassins that passed through, since the last time he had killed an ANBU Itachi had ut him under a strong Genjutsu using the Sharingan. At first Hidan had been excited, anticipating the painful punishment. But the gaki had outsmarted him, and proceeded to show the Jashinist several revealing mental images of a certain shark man, naked as the day he was…hatched.

Even a masochist like himself would never want to endure that _ever_ again.

Because of his night-life activities, the ANBU forces of Konoha were being highly praised for keeping the village so threat free. The ANBU all puffed out their chests proudly and walked confidently around the boarder, feeling secure in their abilities.

If only they knew the reason there wasn't any minor threats discovered was because one of five S-class criminals residing in the village was killing them all.

Hidan heard a faint rustle of footsteps coming from the left. He checked the location of the patrol –nope, they were still over to his right. Hidan grinned sadistically and lifted his scythe, the blade gleaming dimly in the moonlight.

The poor guy never stood a chance.

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Itachi still didn't understand how using the Sharingan on Tobi had forced his third tomoes to unlock, but for now he pushed it to the back of his mind for later contemplation. He had other things to be concerned about…the worst had occurred.

Fugaku had found out about Itachi gaining the next level of Sharingan. The man had decided to judge his son's progress himself, so he had told Itachi that he would evaluate his skills while he was training. Itachi didn't want to reveal too much, so he stuck to Uchiha style Taijutsu, a few **Katon** jutsus and lower level Genjutsus.

Fugaku, wanting to test Itachi's reflexes, had flung a Kunai at great speed while he was going through Taijutsu stances. On instinct, Itachi's Sharingan had activated and his hand whipped up, catching the blade a few inches from his face. Fugaku's eyes had widened slightly at the boy's eyes, before smirking with pride. Not in his son's achievement, but in himself for producing such a prodigy.

It wasn't long before Fugaku's gloating had filled the village's ears, and the young Uchiha found himself wishing he had just let the Kunai skewer his brain. He had even _more_ Fangirls now.

Fugaku must pay!

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"Ok now Itachibi, hold out your hands un." Deidara ordered. Itachi glared suspiciously.

"…Why?" Usually Itachi would be obedient when one of the Akatsuki was his acting Sensei, but he did _not_ want to suddenly find himself with drooling palms. It would create too many questions. Deidara rolled his eyes.

"Calm down un. My extra hands are a rare Kekkei Genkai. They are mostly unknown of because they usually weren't an advantage in battle, un. When I decided to become an explosives expert, and I developed the technique myself."

Itachi warily held out his hands. With high speed the blonde drew a seal on each palm.

"…I also dabbled a little in seals, un. After the Yondaime Hokage, Iwa tried to boost their strength by mastering the same art, as they could not learn the Hiraishin or Rasengan…but most refused, un. They didn't want to copy their most despised enemy." Deidara told their young student nonchalantly. Itachi snorted.

"Fools."

"I agree, un." Deidara channelled his chakra into the seals and they began to glow faintly. Itachi forced himself not to wince in pain as they burned his palms. Deidara nodded in satisfaction.

"I used my own blood in the ink, un. You now have an artificial version of my Kekkei Genkai."

Itachi looked down at his hand in surprise, and saw that the black seals were already fading from sight.

"Ok Chibi, now focus chakra to your palms, un." The blonde instructed.

Itachi did as he was told and almost instantly his skin parted and two small mouths formed._ Weird…_he thought. He cut off the chakra flow, and the mouths faded away again, leaving perfectly unmarred skin. Deidara pumped the air with his fist.

"Yatta! It worked un!"

Itachi twitched. "You mean I was a test subject?"

"Yep." The artist smiled. Itachi's face became blank.

"…Deidara?" he said deceptively calm. Deidara's cheerful expression increased.

"Hai, un?"

"Run." The Uchiha advised.

"No problem." Deidara said before taking off as fast as he could, fleeing from a Sharingan wielding Chibi.

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Itachi looked up from sharpening his Tachi. He had bought the strongest and lightest blade the weapons store had held, and as an Uchiha he had more than enough money.

The Tachi had an ebony black hilt, with small crimson engraving around the edges. The blade itself was platinum silver, with very fine points. It sliced the air with no resistance at all, and through the practice dummies like soft butter.

Itachi didn't even bother denying his smugness at seeing Kisame's eyes full of envy. Yes, the blue man was loyal to his Samehada, but any swordsmen worth their sheath knew a good quality blade when they saw one.

Now he just had to teach the gaki how to use it.

"Ok, you see those trees over there?" Kisame pointed. Itachi raised an eyebrow. One day it was going to get stuck there, Kisame _swore_.

"The ones with a badly painted depiction of Hidan on them?"

"…Yeah, those. I want you to practice forms three, seven and…two on them. Then I will tell you why you did it wrong, and beat the right way into you until it's natural."

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Great pep-talk Kisame-sensei." He quipped with his dry sarcasm. Kisame scowled.

"Then how about this for a pep-talk brat, you do as I say or I tell Tobi you want to be his 'Bestest Buddy' for ever and ever."

Itachi glared. "You wouldn't dare."

"Would I?" Kisame challenged.

…

…

…"Fine." The Uchiha growled, stalking over to the trees.

Kisame grinned. He really must thank Tobi for this opportunity one day…

…Nah.

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"NOOO!" A loud cry rang through the makeshift base. "I'M OUT OF CLAY, UN!"

Outside, Zetsu turned to look at Tobi, who was covering his ears and whimpering. Itachi walked out of the forest, followed by an irritated Kisame.

"What is that damned blonde on about now?" he grumbled.

"**It seems t**hat Deidara h**as used all o**f his cla**y."** Zetsu remarked. Just then, the distraught artist came racing out of the door, messily stuffing things into a bag.

"Deidara?" Itachi questioned, and the panicked man looked up, his long blonde bang flipping at the suddenness of the movement.

"I'm leaving! They don't have clay here, un!" he said with wide eyes. Tobi blinked behind the mask.

"…Tobi thinks Deidara-sempai should calm down…Deidara-sempai can't leave Tobi!" he exclaimed. Deidara scowled.

"Shut _up_ Tobi, un. I'll be back in a few days, a week at most. Annoy somebody else for a change, un."

Itachi's eyes narrowed in thought. "But how will you get in and out of the village?"

Deidara scoffed. "Please, I'm not S-class for nothing."

"Could've fooled me." Kisame mumbled, earning him a glare.

"Whatever un. Don't have too much fun without me Itachibi! And keep practicing with your hands, un." The blonde called as he sprinted away, sealing the bag into a scroll. He ran right past Hidan without a pause, determined to get his beloved clay as soon as possible. Hidan turned to the others in confusion.

"What the fuck did I miss? And why is the blonde moron running away?"

Itachi sighed. What did he ever do to deserve being stuck with these people?

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Akatsuki base, thirteen years in the future.

A loud noise echoed through the deserted hideout. Uchiha Itachi stared at his reflection in the mirror with shock. He, who prized his impassiveness and invulnerability above all else…had sneezed. His Mangekyo activated, sure that he had _somehow_ become caught in a Genjutsu…but nothing was detected.

Perhaps he was dying? It certainly would be ironic, the invincible Uchiha Itachi being killed by some horrible kind of disease…Kami, that fool Kisame would have a field day. Until he was put through **Tsukuyomi** again. Come to think of it, it was odd that none of the other members had investigated the phenomenon already…it was almost too quiet.

Itachi let his mind clear as he searched for the chakra of his colleagues, slightly surprised at finding none. He knew for a fact that they could not mask it that well. The only conclusion was that they were not anywhere near the base.

So where on earth did they go?

…All well, it wasn't his problem. He just didn't want to have to explain the situation to Leader-sama.

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Back to current time (past)

Itachi was walking through the village, trying desperately to forget about the girls stalking his every move. If they weren't people he had a duty to protect, he would have killed them already.

…Ok, maybe not have _killed _them. Just…maim them a little bit. But he could still scare them! The realisation actually brought a smile to the Uchiha's face, causing the Fangirls to squeal, and a number of them dropped like flies. Itachi turned around and, keeping a straight face, mentally channelled his Senseis.

"Why the fuck are you whores following me, un? DO YOU WANT TO DIE? I'll shave you…Yes, no, I can't kill them, yes, I will! Itachi is a good boy."

The Fangirls who didn't pass out ran for the hills. Itachi smirked.

Maybe being stuck with the insane nuisances _did _have an advantage or two…

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Tobi was sulking.

Hidan twitched as the masked boy sighed _yet again_ with his head in his hands.

"Would you stop with the fucking sighing already retard? It's annoying as hell."

"Sorry Hidan-san…"Tobi said mournfully, "Tobi just wishes Deidara-sempai was home…"

Hidan's eye ticked. "The shithead's been gone for _one day_ Tobi. Get the fuck over it."

Tobi just couldn't wrap his mind around that. "But, Deidara-sempai-"

"Blew up your shitty squirrels?"

"-is Tobi's friend!"

Hidan shook his head. "…Fucking delusional idiot, I'm leaving." He stood, grabbing his Scythe and making for the door. Tobi ran after him.

"Hidan-san, where are you going?"

The other man didn't bother to glance back. "To train the gaki. I need some goddamned stress release, I swear to Jashin-sama…"

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Itachi sat up in shock, automatically flinging a Kunai and activating his Sharingan at whoever had intruded his room at night. Gleaming silver hair and purple eyes came into view.

"Shit Itachibi, getting into training already? Such a good student." He grinned, pulling the Kunai from his chest, ignoring the blood.

Itachi relaxed, but narrowed his eyes. "Why are you here Hidan?" _And stop calling me that!_

"Time to train." Hidan ordered, dragging the boy to the open window. Itachi frowned.

"Now?"

"_Yes_ now, don't starting bitching. You have a mission tomorrow right? So get to work brat, or I'll fucking stop bothering." Hidan threatened, but he knew he was lying. Who would give up torture sessions?

Itachi sighed and jumped out of the window, followed by Hidan. They leapt across roofs and kept to the shadows, until they reached their personal training grounds, which nobody else ever used. They had even nick-named it the 'Akatsuki Grounds'. Well, mostly Deidara had.

Hidan blinked at seeing some rather hacked up trees wearing the symbol of Jashinism splattered crudely on their supposed torsos. A grin slowly spread across his face.

"Ok Chibi, now let's see what damage that shiny new blade of yours can do to a _real_ Jashinist."

**I did it! Yay! Itachibi is being corrupted! Bad habits rubbing off on our little prodigy…**

**This is a message going on all three of my stories: The next chapter may be slightly delayed as I have a friend coming to stay for a week, so I will have fewer chances to write. Sorry, I will try and update ASAP.**

**-TITM**


	5. Chapter Five

**Disclaimer: I do not own many things. One such thing is the original Naruto plot and cast.**

**Sorry about the delay! A friend was staying with me for a while and so I was unable to write! I'm sorry! Anyway you've waited long enough, so on with the chapter!**

Deidara couldn't believe it. He simply _could not believe it._ He leaves for only four and a half days, and in that time Tobi had organised a 'Welcome Back Deidara-sempai!' party. The artist's visible eye twitched as he took in the scene.

Kisame was crouched over the table, his eyes drooping and pouring himself another glass of Sake. Two empty bottles were lying haphazardly beside him. He hiccupped and turned slightly green, as if he was about to puke, before downing another glass.

Hidan was scowling dangerously at the messily written sign hanging from the roof. It was painted in bright pink letters and spelt incorrectly. "Wellcom Bak Diedara-senpai!" was splattered across the canvas, followed by some random drawings of birds and what looked like an alien-robot.

Tobi was fluttering around in the kitchen wearing an apron that read 'Number One Chief'. Where he got that, Deidara had no clue. He was currently attempting to make homemade dango, and judging from the toxic smoke billowing through the doorway, he was failing. He seemed to have forgotten his banishment from that particular room.

Zetsu had half-emerged upside-down out of the ceiling, holding his own bottle of Sake. As he took a gulp the fiery liquid dribbled down towards the ground, staining the already messy couch.

And Itachi was in the middle of it all, looking around in disgust and a certain amount of curiosity. The behavioural changes and actions influenced by alcohol fascinated him as much as they seemed ridiculous. Tobi burst out of the smoky kitchen, gasping in the untainted air.

"D-Deidara-sempai likes T-Tobi's surprise?" he asked in between breaths. Deidara glared.

"What. The. HELL! Tobi, why can't you _ever_ act like a normal person, un?"

Tobi blinked behind the mask in confusion. "But Tobi made a fun party for Deidara-sempai!"

Kisame lost his internal battle and vomited all over the floor, just as Zetsu fell from the roof and slammed into the couch, breaking it in two. Itachi groaned into his hands and shook his head at the destruction. Hidan still hadn't moved an inch, but a small drop of drool had begun slipping down his face.

"What's wrong with Hidan?" Deidara asked with trepidation. Tobi looked over at the near-comatose man cheerfully.

"Oh, because Hidan-san is immortal his alcohol tolerance was really high! _Soo_ Zetsu-san found him some special plants!"

This couldn't be good. "Special…plants?" Deidara repeated dumbly. Tobi eye-smiled underneath the mask.

"Yep!"

Deidara's turned to Hidan. It was time to experiment. "Hey, Jashin's bitch, un! You awake in there?"

After a prolonged silence, Hidan blinked owlishly. "…Yes Jashin-sama…"

Deidara's eyes lit up with excitement. "…Hidan, who am I, un?"

"Jashin-sama." Hidan giggled, placing a hand over his mouth in a childish manner. Deidara couldn't believe this.

"And what are you?"

"…I am Jashin-sama's loyal follower." Hidan said in a 'duh' voice. The blonde couldn't pass up such a rare opportunity!

"And if Jashin-sama tells you to, say, bark like a dog, un?" The artist asked rhetorically. Hidan's eyes remained glazed over.

"I will follow the orders of Jashin-sama."

Deidara's eyes glinted mischievously. "Do it."

Hidan dropped to the ground and began barking loudly. Tobi was delighted and bent down to pat the Hidan-doggie, but drew back when he was growled and snapped at.

Deidara sighed happily, perhaps this would be some fun after all.

"Hidan, sit un."

Hidan sat.

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"No."

"Naww, c'mon don't be such a goodie-goodie!" Kisame wined at the stubborn brat, who had his arms crossed over his chest.

"I'm underage." Itachi stated. Kisame's blue eyebrow lifted and he hiccuped.

"So?"

Itachi growled. "So I am _not_ drinking Sake."

"Oh, but you will!" Kisame laughed with certainty. The Uchiha glared.

"I must disagree."

Kisame waved him off. "Old enough to kill, old enough to drink. So _drink."_ He ordered, giving Itachi a challenging stare.

"…._fine_."

Itachi took a small sip of the liquid, immediately choking a little in surprise, causing Kisame to snicker as he struggled to remain upright, leaning on Samehada heavily.

Itachi resisted the urge to wrinkle his nose. "It's…powerful."

"You can't handle it Chibi? Understandable I suppose, you are just a _child_." Kisame grinned evilly.

Itachi's eyes narrowed. He knew it was a set-up but…he was NOT a child!

He took back the glass.

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"Ah hahahaha!" Itachi laughed madly, pointing at Zetsu, who just sat on the couch doing nothing in particular. When the plant-man didn't respond, Itachi's knees gave out and he fell to the floor in hysterics. Deidara appeared, having just ditched Tobi, and surveyed the room in confusion.

"What the hell is so funny, un?"

"Hee hee hee hee hee hahahahaha-"

So apparently Itachi was no help there. "Zetsu?"

"**I-**wha-**huh**?"

There was no hope for Deidara. Scowling, the artist kicked Kisame awake. "What's going on un?"

The blue man slowly came back into consciousness. "...'z brat said Zetsu looks like a mutated Aloe Vera plant or s'm'thing. Asked if his mother could borrow him for the kitchen table." Kisame slurred.

Deidara flipped his blonde bang out of his eye. "…That's not even very funny un. And it made _Itachi_ laugh?"

Kisame shrugged. "Kid's drunk, what can I tell ya?"

"HE'S WHAT, UN?" Deidara screamed. He just couldn't comprehend who was stupid enough to give Itachibi alcohol! What kind of an idiot-

…

…

"KISAME!"

"Oh shit." Kisame struggled to his feet took off, barely avoiding the walls as he went.

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Itachi woke up in his bed, confused at the angle of light streaming in from his window. It was as if it were the middle of the day! He pulled himself upright and gasped at the pounding pain in his head. His eyes blurred and he gritted his teeth against the onslaught. Itachi peeked at the clock hanging on his wall, it _was_ mid-day! Oh no, how the fuck did that happen? The constant pounding in his head was a quick indicator._ Damn you Kisame…I'll get you for this!_ He vowed.

He groaned out loud since there was nobody around to hear. His Tou-san was with the council again and his Kaa-san had no doubt taken Sasuke to visit the park again. He quickly ate an apple before rushing out the door and onto today's mission with his dysfunctional team.

His Sensei, Takata Kazuki, sang his praises for the Uchiha heir when in the company of others, but within the team he avoided the boy when at all possible. He did not like the idea of such a young person on his team, and he felt that the boy's unnaturally prodigious abilities would someday outshine his own. People don't trust things more powerful than themselves, it is simple human nature.

His so-called 'Teammates' were rather talented Genin in their own right, Fugaku would not allow for otherwise. Kouda Taro and Uchiha Miwa both resented Itachi with a ferocity that rivalled the Uchiha-Hyuuga relations. Taro felt a great injustice had been thrust upon him. Before Itachi had joined the graduating class, Taro had been indisputably the top-Shinobi student. He had held the respect and awe of his peers, all until the Uchiha boy had joined, and he quickly found himself slipping behind the prodigy. Despite the fact that he came from a minor clan, he had always been the best! Now some little boy had come along from the most influential clan in Konoha, and had robbed him of his rightful title.

Uchiha Miwa hated the way her clan revered the brat. So what if he was the heir, so what if he was talented? She was talented as well! But like all other young Uchihas, she was overlooked and dismissed in favour of the clan head's son. Nobody cared when she graduated as top-Kunouchi of her class, but they celebrated cheerfully when Itachi had achieved top-Shinobi, as expected. It wasn't fair. Why should he have better opportunities, more recognition, just because of which Uchiha parents birthed him. Her own father was once hailed as the greatest **Katon** user in Konoha, and her mother had been a skilled swordswomen before getting married! And yet, still Miwa was underestimated for her slightly 'lesser' heritage.

In any normal situation, the two top graduates would be paired with the 'dead last', but Fugaku had raised such a fuss that an exception was made. He had demanded that his heir was not held back by the class dregs, and was given the best Sensei they had available, which happened to be 'Kazuki no Akarensa' (Kazuki of the bloody chains). Kazuki had come from a civilian ancestry, but nobody could doubt the man's skill with a chain. His razor sharp links could cut a tree in two without a hitch, and would not be hindered by the bones of an opponent. The tension under the surface of the team was a great source of conflict, when allowed into the light.

All in all, Itachi did _not _enjoy the company of his team.

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"There you are Itachi! It's not like you to be late." Kazuki reprimanded.

"I apologise Sensei, I lost track of time while training." Itachi lied flawlessly.

Miwa huffed._ Suck up…_she seethed. Taro had similar thoughts._ What a no good show-off…_

Kazuki nodded in understanding. "…Very well Itachi. I will let this go, but take this as being let off with a warning. Do not be late again."

"Hai Sensei." Itachi bowed.

"So what is the mission today Taro-sensei?" Taro questioned.

"We are to locate and capture the infamous beast known as 'Tora'." Kazuki said ominously.

Mentally, Itachi groaned. This was not the first he had heard of Tora, as the mangy cat had been sighted a few times near the base in the woods. Thankfully Zetsu had scared it away so that it would not bring any Ninja into the area, but Tobi, the fool, had decided to try and befriend the vicious feline. Tora had wept openly and tried desperately to get away from the masked man's bone-crushing hug, and eventually Itachi was forced to intervene to put a cease to the incessant yowling. Tora had treated him like a Kami ever since, much to the amusement of his _real_ Senseis. The damn cat wouldn't leave him alone once it caught sight of him, following him around like a lost, possessive kitten.

Itachi sighed. He was going to get hell for this later, he just _knew_ it.

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"Target in sight. What is your position Fan?" Taro whispered from behind a tree.

"Fan here, I'm West, 100 metres from Target. Where is Weasel?" a female voiced asked irritably as she crouched behind a bush.

Itachi suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. What creative 'code names' they had come up with. "Weasel in position, 200 metres from Target and not getting any closer."

Kazuki frowned from his branch. "Sensei here, Weasel why are you backing out?"

Miwa barked out a laugh. "Weasel is scared of a cat? How pathetic." She sneered.

"For your information Fan, I have a perfectly valid reason to avoid an encounter with the Target." Itachi told her dryly.

"And what would that be?" Taro snorted.

"I would rather not say, Plump Son." Itachi replied with a smirk.

Taro cracked the bark under his palms in fury. "Hey! My name is _Eldest Son_ you damn brat!"

"I am also the eldest son, so the code is compromised. You clearly weigh more than me, and the translation fits." Itachi answered with a hint of smugness.

"Why you-!" Taro roared, forgetting about stealth for the moment.

"Enough!" Kazuki-sensei ordered, shaking his head at his idiotic students. Why did he let the Hokage talk him into this? Meanwhile, Taro was planning his revenge.

_So, the little Uchiha is scared of a cat huh?_ He smirked. _This'll be good…let's see the 'prodigy' deal with this!_ He thought gleefully as he snuck up behind the unsuspecting boy.

Itachi felt like face palming. That moron Taro wasn't even bothering to hide his chakra signature as he crept up behind him. _Might as well wait and see what he's planning…_Itachi decided vaguely, inwardly contemplating how to avoid another one of Zetsu's stealth lessons. Last time he had been forced to remain undetected at the local hot spring. _A HOT SPRING. _With naked people! Ugh.

He didn't move a muscle as Taro leapt at him and carried him off like a bag of loot, chuckling all the way. As he was being taken closer and closer to the location of the Target, Itachi began to sweat._ Oh no…not again!_ Taro thrust the younger boy into the clearing and straight toward the hissing ball of fur, fully anticipating the oncoming action. Miwa's eyes widened from her hiding place and he started giggling happily. She couldn't wait to tell everybody that the almighty prodigy was beaten senseless by a mere _cat_!

Itachi flipped himself upright and landed in a crouch with a small _thud. _Tora's intelligent eyes locked onto the form of Itachi, and he quickly sprung. The red ribbon that identified him fluttered wildly as he flew through the air and collided with the Uchiha. Taro and Miwa leant forward, not wanting to miss a minute of this. Kazuki watched from his branch with slight satisfaction at seeing the ever-worshipped child being put in his place by the animal even the ANBU were wary of.

Tora's leap knocked Itachi backwards, but he regained his footing before falling. His arms reflexively came up and he caught the feline. Tora began purring loudly, closing his eyes in happiness at 'catching' Itachi. Said boy sweatdropped and lowered the cat to the ground, keeping a safe distance from the still-extended claws.

Itachi's team was watching in shock. Tora was still purring madly and rubbing against Itachi's leg desperately, meowing for attention that the Uchiha simply refused to give. Eventually however, he cracked.

"Tora. Enough of this." Itachi ordered sternly. The cat paused and sat down unhappily. Itachi nodded in approval.

"Good. Now, come." He commanded while walking away, signalling for his team to follow. Tora stalked behind the Uchiha boy in a sulk, occasionally hissing and swiping at the other three people alongside them.

Taro found himself in a state of horror. Itachi was a beast-tamer! What the hell?

**How did Tora end up in this story? All well, who wouldn't love a psychopathic cat…(TORA IS ACTUALLY A GIRL, BUT I HAVE MADE HIM A BOY IN THIS FIC.)**


	6. Chapter Six

**Disclaimer: I don't own, Naruto, it's true. But Itachibi is ALL MINE! _**

**Well well, what adventures will our little Chibi get into this time I wonder? ...Keep reading to find out!**

Team 3, consisting of Miwa, Taro and Itachi, led by Kazuki, were all gathered in the Hokage's office, ready to finish up the latest mission. The door burst open, slamming into the walls.

"Ooooh! My little Tora-chan, oh, OKAA-SAN HAS MISSED YOU!"

Itachi was hardly able to stop himself from stepping backwards as a hugely overweight woman charged at him. He felt Tora stiffening up in terror and winced as sharp claws dug almost a centimetre into his flesh. The Fire Daimyo's wife just kept coming.

"Where _were_ you my precious? I was so worried!" she blubbered, reaching out for the horrified feline. Itachi felt sudden compassion for the creature, no wonder it had ran away. This woman was acting kind of like Tobi did that time…

Tora clung to his 'Master' in desperation, no not the fat lady again! She dressed him up in poufy things, stuck _ribbons_ on his head and expected him to eat 'Caviar' just because it was fish eggs! No. He a hunting cat, he wanted the thrill of the chase! Mice, rabbits, birds! None of that fancy canned crap she stuffed down his throat on a regular basis. No, the Master he had chosen was far better than this woman.

Master never made him eat yuck things, or dress up in irritating cloth. He let Tora do whatever he wanted and most importantly _never squished him!_ Master had even rescued him from the masked-hugger! Maybe he could rescue Tora from the evil woman who smelt of old clothes and perfume.

Tears streamed down her face as she swept Tora out of Itachi's arms, crushing the poor cat against her bosom. Tora struggled as much as he could while being suffocated, but once again she kept her unbreakable grip around him.

Itachi was now feeling distinctly guilty for subjecting Tora to that kind of treatment. Dear Kami, he hadn't thought the thing was going to be tortured! It had always seemed a little off to the Uchiha that an obviously proud, _male_ cat like Tora was going around wearing a ribbon, but he had assumed its only purpose was identification…

But now he was having second thoughts.

Tora wrestled his head out of the melodramatic woman's cleavage and stared at Itachi with a woeful and pleading dark gaze, which had been reduced to tiny points, as the whites of his eyes were now predominant. He sighed internally.

…_Dammit…_

Well now he had choice but to save the damn thing from its fate.

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"You cannot be serious Deidara." Itachi stated blandly. Deidara huffed.

"It's Deidara-_sensei_ to you Itachibi, we're training un. Now try again."

"This can hardly be qualified as training." Itachi frowned, glancing at the misshapen clay sculpture in front of him. It was all…_blobby._

Deidara had evidently decided that it was due time to teach his little student about creating true art. Those seals on his palms weren't help at all if he couldn't mould anything reasonably well after all. The Uchiha's progress so far was…well, it was depressing really. The kid had _no_ idea about the mindset of an artist, although it was probably a family trait. Those Uchihas couldn't be creative to save their life, Deidara suspected. But at least the 'project' was standing upright now…sort of.

"You need to use your tongues more un." The blonde squinted as he inspected the model. Itachi wrinkled his nose.

"That is fucking revolting." He _hated_ using the tongues on clay! They were all slimy and weird! Deidara twitched violently.

"LANGUAGE! Damn Hidan…"

Itachi snorted, rolling his eyes. Deidara composed himself, continuing the lesson.

"Ok, now watch carefully un. I'll only demonstrate so many times."

Itachi automatically switched to Sharingan, only to receive a swift knock upside the head.

"No cheating un."

Itachi resisted the urge to pout in a very un-Uchiha-like manner. "It's not cheating. It's making use of an advantage." He defended. Deidara waved it off.

"That's fine for fighting un, but this is _art." _he explained, exasperated. "You know, copying things is great and all, but you will never truly master something that way. Now, pay attention un."

Itachi filed away his Sensei's advice into his mind to ponder at a later date. "Hai Deidara-sensei."

Deidara gave a bright but somehow threatening smile. "Good Chibi! Now, make that damned bird or I'll explode it next time un." He said in a happy, light-hearted tone. Itachi paled.

Miraculously, his sculptures began to improve drastically. Deidara continued to supervise wearing that maniacal grin.

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Itachi stood in front of the seated Akatsuki members, gazing at them with seriousness. "There is something I would like to discuss." They were all in the cabin, on either the couch, armchair, or in Tobi's case, sitting cross-legged on the ground.

"What the fuck is up now?" Hidan snorted. They hadn't even fucking done anything to deserve another lecture this time! Itachi paused, contemplating the best way to bring it up the subject. He decided, against his Uchiha instincts, to just wing it.

"…How would I go about stealing from the Daimyo? Or more specifically, his wife?"

…

"Oooh damn, a life of crime already Itachibi? And here we thought we were raising you right and shit." Kisame exclaimed in mock disappointment, slapping his large hand against his knee. He was pumped already, they hadn't done anything worth a slap on the wrist in _ages!_

"**What i**s it that w**e are plann**ing to acquire?" Zetsu asked, already mentally planning the best ways to infiltrate.

"Tora." Itachi responded without a blink.

"…The cat?" Kisame asked in disbelief. His dreams of badass battles dissolved. Tobi on the other hand was ecstatic at the news. He began clapping his hands in excitement.

"Oh, Tora-san is Tobi's friend! Tobi will help! But why are we getting Tora-san?" he asked in confusion.

"Only you would call a cat '-san', it's ridiculous un." Deidara huffed, blowing his long blonde bang out of his eyes, already accepting the mission. Hidan however, was not so easy to convince.

"Why the fuck are we doing all this shit for a _cat_, for the love of Jashin-sama!"

"Because Chibi-chan wants the cat un." Deidara explained patiently. Itachi twitched.

"DO NOT CALL ME CHIBI-CHAN DEIDARA!" He roared, seething. Usually he was as stoic as can be, but these guys just riled him up so easily! Deidara yelped and hid behind the couch, poking his head over the back and pouting.

"Don't be so sensitive un." He mumbled. Before Itachi could retaliate, Hidan let his opinion come flying out.

"You're all dicks, you know that? I mean fucking hell, why should we go and get some demonic cat off from some ugly fat bitch when the asswipe probably deserves everything he's getting?"

…

…

…

"You're still pissed that it scratched you right?" Kisame guessed.

…

Hidan's voice took on a hissing quality. "What the fuck was that Kisame? I didn't quite hear you over the sound of your own BULLSHIT!"

White Zetsu sighed. "This again?" he watched exasperatedly as Hidan leapt at Kisame with his Scythe, only to have Samehada block it.** "So it seems."** Black Zetsu replied in irritation.

Itachi's eyebrow was having a spasm. Couldn't these two stop acting like idiots for _one moment _when they were in the vicinity of each other?

The loud shattering of glass tore Itachi from his thoughts. Deidara screamed from his place behind the couch.

"THE LAMP! YOU FREAKING MORONS UN!"

Apparently they could not.

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"So the plan is to have Kisame **Henge**d as a cat-"

"WHAT?" Kisame yelled in shock, as Itachi continued as if he had never been interrupted.

"-because the Daimyo's wife obviously enjoys 'dolling-up' tough looking felines."

"What'd ya mean 'doll-up'?" Kisame asked with trepidation. Itachi spared him a glance.

"She will mostly likely attempt to clothe you in effeminate designer 'pet-vests' they make in the Land of Tea."

Kisame's eyes widened in horror. "Ok, what! No way am I gonna-"

Itachi ignored the protests. "Meanwhile, Hidan will keep the guards busy." Seeing the Jashinist's face light up, Itachi hurried to continue. "No killing."

Hidan soured. Itachi focused all of his attention on informing the reluctant Hidan of his role.

"You will arrive at the gates severely wounded, and then will collapse, before succumbing to 'death' due to your injuries. While they are all distracted, Zetsu will take me in. We grab Tora, merge out and then the mission is complete." Itachi finished, leaning back in triumph. Tobi tilted his head.

"What about Tobi and Deidara-sempai?"

"Tobi will be our watch-out, to tell us if anything is going wrong. Deidara-" Itachi hesitated. "I need you to go undercover as me while we're gone."

Deidara blinked. "Oh my…that doesn't sound like the best idea un. Why can't you just stay and have me or Zetsu grab the damn cat?"

"Because he will fight anybody but me if they approach." He answered patiently. "Besides, you are S-class, so fooling everybody you come across shouldn't be a problem, unless you somehow run into the Hokage. Not even the Sharingan or Byakugan can detect a disguise if it is strong enough."

"Ok…" Deidara said sceptically. "But I still think this is a bad idea un."

Itachi hesitated briefly. "Another thing, try and act like me ok? I don't need unnecessary questions directed at me when I return."

"Hai hai…un." Deidara answered, thinking to himself.

Damn, this was going to be a long week.

Itachi took a deep breath. "Ok, we leave at dusk tomorrow."

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"This is ridiculous un." Deidara muttered. He was currently analysing his reflection in the mirror, eyes narrowed as he searched for any flaws. His now black hair was tied in a ponytail at the nape of his neck. His usual blonde bang was missing, and his eyes were a dark, pupil-less coal.

He missed his long bang. Deciding that he was an undetectable replica of Itachi, Deidara permitted himself a grin.

The others had all left about twenty minutes ago, with varying enthusiasm. Itachi had a set look of determination. Once that kid made up his mind, Kami himself couldn't change it or stand in the way.

Hidan had an odd light in his eyes, no doubt thinking of how painfully he could 'die' to play out his designated role. He could be heard muttering disturbing things to himself, such as '_…severed arteries are a must…'_, '_If only I had an ice-pick!'_ and '_disembowelment…so very tempting…' _among other things.

Zetsu was a more complicated story. While White Zetsu didn't see the point of going to all the trouble when his role was so small, Black Zetsu argued that it was good training in infiltration for their young student. They had yet to reach an agreement, and were currently at an impasse.

Kisame was –for lack of a better word- bummed. Why the _hell_ did he agree to act like old-lady-bait? This sucked! Damn that Itachi, making his life hell even now.

Tobi…well, Tobi was being Tobi. He pranced ahead of the travelling group, throwing flowers into the air that he had picked from the garden. Zetsu had gotten _really_ pissed about that.

Now all that was left was for Deidara to take Itachi's place for the next few days…shouldn't be too hard, right?

…Right?

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"Uchiha Itachi, get down here now boy!" a loud roar echoed from downstairs.

"I'm coming!" Deidara yelled back. It was still kind of weird using Itachi's voice. "Damn bossy old coot, no wonder Itachibi hates the teme…" he muttered to himself as he got off the bed and made his way to the door. It had been a whole week and those idiots still weren't back yet! There was only so much of this Deidara could take before he snapped! They had better get their asses back here soon.

He passed many Uchiha Crests on his way down the stairs and was forced to hide a sweatdrop. _They sure are proud of their fan…_It was everywhere! He walked into the kitchen, automatically taking the seat next to Itachi's younger brother, Sasuke. He felt eyes boring into his head and met his 'father's eyes.

"Why were you late Itachi? What on earth were you doing up there that required us to wait?" Fugaku glared at his 'son'.

_I was plotting to massacre you all, I apologise sir, could you pass the Onigiri? _Deidara had the strong urge to roll his eyes. This guy was so arrogant! …Hey…even the plates had the Uchiha Crest! "I was sharpening my Shuriken, I must have lost track of the time."

Fugaku gave 'Itachi' a withering stare. "Do not let it happen again."

"Hai sir, I apologise, un." Deidara said convincingly, inwardly wanting to shove a Kunai in the clan head's skull. Fugaku growled unhappily.

"Do not use such a way of speech Itachi! We of the Uchiha clan are high profile, do not dirty our noble name with such disgraceful language!"

Deidara bowed his head, as a presumed show of submission, but it was actually to hide his facial ticking. "Sorry Tou-san. I shall try and…dispose of my habit."

"You will 'try' and do nothing. You are the heir, you must succeed in everything you attempt, and nothing is an exception. Never want to hear 'un' again. Do you understand me?" Fugaku got worked up, emphasising the 'un' with disgust. His final words were not a question, but rather a demand. Deidara regarded the man with contempt. He had tried to act like the obedient son, but now this asshole had flat-out insulted him! That was the final straw.

"Hai…I understand, _un_." He hissed, glaring dangerously at Fugaku, whose eyes switched to Sharingan in outrage. Deidara himself obviously couldn't use the Sharingan, so his eyes remained an accusing black.

Sasuke watched the confrontation with impossibly wide eyes. And wouldn't it hurt not to blink for that long? His food was frozen in the air, hovering just above the plate, ready to drop.

Mikoto had shrunk down into her seat, cringing at every word passed between her husband and oldest child. They were a family, families weren't supposed to act like this! Why couldn't Itachi just do as he was told, then Fugaku wouldn't be forced to get angry. Mikoto looked on, wondering when on earth she had gone wrong, as a mother and as a wife. Fugaku radiated fury.

"_What was that Itachi?_ You little ingrate, how dare-"

Deidara interrupted. "How dare I _what_ un? Express an opinion!" Kami, how had Itachi done this _every day!_

Fugaku had a vein popping on his forehead, ready to burst. "This is my house and as long as you are in it you-"

"Fine, I'll leave then!" Deidara exclaimed in anger. Fugaku was almost trembling with rage. He spoke with an icy calmness all of a sudden.

"Yes, yes you will. Until you have rectified yourself and atoned for your actions, you are suspended from the Uchiha clan!"

Mikoto looked at her husband in shock. "Fugaku! Please-"

"Dammit Mikoto, this is your fault for pampering the boy! He is a warrior, not a lapdog!" He turned on his wife, blaming her for corrupting his legacy. Mikoto was close to tears.

"I-I'm sorry, I-"

"Be silent!" he ordered, turning his attention back to his 'son'. "Itachi, you are hereby banished from the Uchiha estate until such time as I welcome you back. I expect you to be gone in the morning."

Sasuke was now crying and Mikoto was choking on silent sobs. Sasuke stood from his chair and glared at his father with a newfound bravery.

"You can't make Aniki go 'way!" he yelled, but was quickly silenced by an intimidating look from his father.

Deidara pushed away from the table. "Fuck this shit, I'm gone un."

He made his way back up to Itachi's room, slamming the door. He seethed for a moment before the realisation of the situation crashed down upon him.

He had just made Itachi get kicked out of his own house.

His own _clan_ until he grovelled.

…

…

…Aw shit, he was gonna pay for this one.

**Done! Wow poor Itachi…I wonder what his reaction will be? Deidara, you've really messed things up now!**

**-TITM**


	7. Chapter Seven

**Disclaimer: I revoke any claims to the original ownership of 'Naruto'.**

**While Deidara is messing up Itachi's life, how are the others faring with their mission? Read to find out!**

Kisame glared fiercely. Itachi met his gaze, impassive.

"Kisame…you can't change the plan now." He attempted to reason. But Kisame was having none of it.

"I am NOT turning into a _cat!_ I'm an aquatic being, and felines are _not_ something we like!"

Itachi just looked at him the way an adult may look at a child throwing a tantrum. Ironic, considering Itachi was the youngest. "Kisame." He said blandly. Kisame crossed his arms.

"No!"

"Quit your bitching fishy, and grow some damned claws." Hidan snipped in irritation. Kisame redirected his anger at the priest in an instant.

"Easy for you to say, Hidan! Your job is just getting your fucked up, perverse pleasure out of attempted suicide!"

Hidan grinned, unashamed. "Fuck yeah. Better than being a cat, moron."

"YOU-"

"Enough. Kisame, **Henge**, _now._ Hidan…shut up." Itachi demanded, rubbing his temples in an effort to keep his patience.

"Who died and made the midget leader?" Hidan muttered. Itachi looked in his purple eyes, deadpanned.

"Nobody. You are just being too stupid…and Zetsu can never agree with himself on any course of action."

Zetsu shrugged. "It's true.** No it's not!"**

"…Ok whatever, let's just get a fucking move on. Kisame you retard, **Henge** before I shove the wrath of Jashin up your blue ass." Hidan hissed, glaring threateningly at his stubborn colleague.

"What, no Jashin-_sama?_" Kisame grouched sarcastically. Hidan never blinked, only polished the blade of his Scythe with a sleeve.

"Not when I'm pissed."

Kisame snorted, this guy was nuts. "Whatever."

"Tobi sees the gate, Tobi sees the gate! Tobi do good?" The masked boy asked hopefully. Itachi nodded condescendingly.

"Hai Tobi, you did very good. Now stay here and warn us if anything goes wrong, we have the headpieces. When Hidan's part is complete you will need to use your teleportation jutsu is collect him."

Tobi saluted. "Hai Itachibi-sama!"

Hidan twitched. "…I'm not even going to ask about that shit, let's go."

Kisame eventually caved under peer-pressure and went through the hand seals for the **Henge**. A large cloud of smoke enveloped his body, and cleared away to reveal empty space where the tall man once was.

Well, mostly empty space.

"This is stupid!" A dark blue tom cat spat up at the giant Akatsuki members.

"Kisame-san looks like a really pretty kitty!" Tobi exclaimed with stars in his eyes, behind the mask of course. Zetsu stared unnervingly.

"Delec**table.**"

Kisame backed away. "SHUT UP!"

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Kisame huffed angrily as he scampered on between buildings, dodging people's feet, as well as other animals. He passed a fish market and found himself licking his lips at the sight of a large flake of uncooked shark fillet…only to catch himself and blanch is disgust and horror. He sprinted away from the forbiddingly tempting stall and stopped in an alley to compose himself. He breathed a sigh of relief, but it became hitched when something beside him moved.

Jumping out from behind a dumpster was a _huge_, scarred ginger cat. Now, Kisame was no small kitten himself, but this thing was a _beast!_ The cat looked like it had taken on a war and won. He had one ripped ear that had obviously been bitten off during a brawl. The cat came closer, sizing the disguised Kiri-nin up with a harsh, superior gaze. The cat, which Kisame had secretly named '_Konan'_ just for the hell of it–plus, that woman could be terrifying!- spat at him, showing off his sharp teeth.

"Ugh, sorry, sorry! Just on my way…" he laughed awkwardly, making his way back out of the alley, only to be cut off. The fearsome feline advanced.

"Uhm…that's a nice…scar, you have there?" he tried weakly, backing into a corner. The larger cat hissed viciously and flattened its ears. It crouched down, ready to pounce. Kisame wondered how it had come to this.

"…Gotta go." He said, jumping out of the other cat's range. He ran out of the alley, inwardly cursing his life.

Kisame dashed through the streets, mentally crying. _Oh Kami, why me, it's not fair! _He felt deadly claws scrap his tail._ Shit, this cat is fucking insane!_ He continued running until he found the direction of the Daimyo's mansion, swerving in that direction. Kisame saw the gates up ahead, and with a chakra-enhanced leap, he cleared the high fence. He smirked –as much as a cat can anyway- at the hissing feline on the other side of the bars, taunting the furious thing in amusement.

He pranced away –yes, _pranced_, but he would never admit to it- with his long, bushy blue tail swaying in the air mockingly towards the mansion.

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Hidan smirked as he strode towards the mansion gates. For once he didn't need a **Henge**, because he wasn't even a Missing-nin in this timeframe! He stumbled further down the road, instantly grabbing the attention of the Daimyo's guards. One in particular seemed to be in charge of the squad, and the smoking man called for backup.

"Hey, are you ok?" he asked in what could only be a numbed shock. Hidan repressed a sarcastic remark._ I'm bleeding everywhere and just collapsed, what the fuck do you think dumbass?_

Hidan didn't reply, only swayed to the side and fell down. Blood was gushing uncontrollably from his gut, and he was coughing up the crimson liquid as well. He had multiple slashes adorning his body and there seemed to be little hope for his survival.

"My name is Sarutobi Asuma, please, how can I help you? Who did this?" he asked with urgency.

Hidan was holding back hysterical laughter as he moaned in pain. Sarutobi Asuma, he remembered that guy! Who would have thought that by coming back to the past, the guy he killed would be trying to 'save' him! It was hilarious! The effort at holding back his laughter only caused his lungs to strain, and he coughed up even more blood. Asuma was now gesturing to his comrades to bring the others of the Shugonin Jūnishi (Twelve Gentlemen Guardian Ninja), a task force dedicated to the protection of the Daimyo.

Chiriku appeared next to the crouching Asuma, looking down at the ravaged body in shock. His brow creased in thought.

"Asuma-san, what had happened here?"

Asuma shook his head. "I don't know Chiriku-san, he came out of nowhere like this."

"Are you sure he'd not an enemy? A spy or assassin perhaps." The monk asked with a suspicious tone.

"No spy or assassin would let themselves get to this point, it would result in the failure of the mission." The unsaid statement was heard by all. _The mission would fail because he is most likely going to die._

Hidan hid a smirk. Chiriku sighed, before turning at one of the men behind them.

"Kazuma, take this man to the infirmary." The dark haired man nodded stiffly at the monk and **Shunshin**ed away with the immobile Hidan. Asuma turned to the bald man.

"Kazuma?" he questioned quietly, "I thought we agreed that he was acting suspiciously lately…Why trust him with this unknown element?"

"Because although I am keeping an eye in him, there is no proof of any wrong doings. Innocent until proven guilty may be a stretch in our line of work, but I will not prosecute a comrade without solid reasoning." Chiriku told Asuma firmly, with an unshakable conviction.

"Nauma, Seito!" Chiriku called without looking back. Hearing no answer, he turned only to find no sign of them. He looked at Tou expectantly. "Where the heck did they go?"

One of the only two female members of the group shrugged. "Who knows? I'm not their mother." She remarked, rolling her eyes. Her hair was such a dark purple that is was almost black, while her eyes were only a shade lighter. She shared an amused glance with her best friend and fellow guardian member, Mori Amaya.

Amaya had shoulder length hair that was the colour of rich honey, with a slight wave to it. Unlike Tou's own short haircut, it was tied up in a loose band at the back. Amaya came from no prestigious clan, instead she was raised in an orphanage until she was old enough to attend the Academy. They all had their own stories. Chiriku grumbled about 'unreliable childish idiots' as he stalked off to find them.

"Ne, Kitane! Pass me another would you?" Asuma barked good-naturedly at his stern-faced friend. Kitane reluctantly handed over a packet of cigarettes, to which Asuma held with reverence. Kitane shook his head with amusement.

"You know your father is going to flip when he finds out you've been smoking right? His student, you know, the medic, must have told him horror stories. The last time he saw me lighting one up he looked as if I'd lost a limb!"

Asuma groaned. "Yeah, that sounds like Tsunade-san. Shit, he's gonna kill me."

Kitane just laughed as Asuma hung his head.

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Hidan was bored. He had been lying there in the infirmary for what felt like ages, struggling to hold back his natural –or extremely _un_natural depending on your view- healing abilities. That guy –Kazuma- had left a while ago, leaving him for dead.

Suffice it to say that the act didn't leave the best impression.

Even though Hidan enjoyed a good torture as much as the next person, he always killed them in the end. Leaving someone for dead was a coward's way out, a way of telling yourself at night that you didn't _really _kill them. It was only for delusional fools, and Hidan was furious that even though he was faking his death, he would be treated in such a deplorable way.

Checking subtly for any surveillance, and finding none, Hidan contacted Tobi with a certain amount of hesitance. He channeled chakra to his left ear and waited for Tobi to do the same, thus connecting the headpieces.

Elsewhere, Tobi was sitting in a tree, when he suddenly felt a strong tingling in his ear. Confused, Tobi shook his head madly, but the sensation remained. Shrugging it off, Tobi continued to watch some birds that were building a nest nearby with undiluted glee.

Hidan was glaring at the ceiling. So, that idiot Tobi wasn't answering huh? And Hidan could not even allow himself to heal to escape, as it would blow their cover if he was discovered. Growling, the pissed off Jashinist began imagining all the ways in which he could sacrifice Tobi.

Not that Jashin-sama would want such a pathetic offering anyway.

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Kisame's legs were getting tired, where the heck was this old lady? He was just about to call it quits when a pitiful wail met his ears. They twitched, perking up like a radar in search of the sound's location. He crept closer to the gigantic door and listened in.

"Oooh, my precious Tora-chan, not again! Where are you my sweet?_ Tora-chan!_" a woman was moaning loudly. She was being patted on the back by some rather awkward-faced maids.

Kisame would have been raising his eyebrows if he were not currently a cat._ Wait, the cat isn't here? Good, so long as Itachi and Zetsu can find it I can keep this horror away._ He then noticed the abundance of frilly, flowered accessories dominating the room. He sweatdropped.

…_As long as I can keep from killing the crazy hag until then._

He reined in his nerves and pushed open the door, meowing loudly.

"Tora-chan?" The blubbering woman jumped up in excitement, only to deflate at seeing that the cat in question was not her Tora. However as her eyes raked over Kisame's fluffy form, an unmistakable twinkle of anticipation appeared.

"Now who are you? Oh, aren't you just simply_ darling!_ Come here to Okaa-san, she will make you all pretty! Tora-chan would like a brother, don't you think?" she asked, turning to the maids. They looked at each other for support before nodding uncertainly.

"I will call you-"_ Oh please Kami not something stupid,_ Kisame prayed. "-MIRUKU-CHAN!"

…

…

…_SHE NAMED ME 'MILK'?_

"Now stay still Miruku-chan, I've got a surprise for you!" she squealed, holding up a hideously pink outfit. Kisame couldn't repress a shudder that rolled over his shoulder blades.

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"You have a body ready for the switch?" Itachi inquired quietly to Zetsu. The split-faced man nodded.

"**Of c**ourse,** and th**ey'll nev**er be able**to tell th**e differen**ce." He answered, unsealing a large potato sack that he had snagged from a stall back in town. He reached into it, pulling out a stiff corpse.

The cold, brown cat hung slackly in Zetsu's grip, eyes closed in eternal sleep. Itachi had sent him to find a replacement, and after twenty minutes on scouring he had finally found the body of a feral cat. He cast a light **Henge** over the deceased feline to make it closer in looks to the target. Itachi evaluated the limp body and nodded.

"It will do. Now, take us into the mansion, away from prying eyes." He said, and he and Zetsu sunk into the earth.

The body of the Daimyo's wife's cat was found in the kitchen by one very flustered cook later that evening, apparently the poor thing had been poisoned, no doubt by the rat bait kept in various places. Itachi and the others were on their way back home, all of them pissed off about one certain fact.

The real Tora was never found.

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Battered and worse for wear, the team trudged back to Konoha in a depressed silence. Hidan was eventually rescued, and had every intention of punishing Tobi, but he simply couldn't be bothered right now. Kisame was –simply put- traumatized, and refused to discuss what happened with anyone. Their first real mission in so long…and it had ended in such utter failure.

All because that damned cat wasn't even there! They filed into their cabin, attitudes less than cheerful.

"Hey guys!" an enthusiastic Deidara called from the couch. And sitting on the artist's lap was…Tora.

"What the hell is he fucking doing here!" Hidan seethed, pointing at the smug-faced cat accusingly.

"He arrived yesterday, un. I think he was looking for you!" Deidara grinned at Itachi, who was visibly twitching in fury. His eyes spun red, but did not intimidate the feline curled on the terrorist's legs in the slightest.

"So we-" _I!_ "-went through all of _that,_ for absolutely _nothing_?" Kisame shouted, shaking in anger. Itachi's voice was cold, but clearly unhappy.

"So it seems."

"Well now that they think he'd dead there won't be missions to find him, un." Deidara reminded them, trying to lighten the mood before the cat keeled over from the rising Killing Intent. He had actually come not to mind the generally violent animal.

"That is true." Itachi conceded, glancing at the content cat.

Tora just purred louder.

**Next chapter we see Itachi's reaction to his banishment! As well as some flashbacks of Mission: Tora.**

**By the way, Amaya is an OC, as Tou is the only ****known**** female member of the guardians.**

**-TITM**


	8. Chapter Eight

**Disclaimer: I do not own any anime/manga characters and/or original plots, this includes 'Naruto'. I do however own the created plot in this Fanfiction ^_^ YAY!**

**So sorry this is late! I have been so busy etc…please forgive me? *Pleading eyes* Pretty please?**

"…Deidara." Itachi called the blonde artist to attention with suspicious eyes.

Deidara met his gaze with innocence. "…What, un?"

"You are acting…different." The Uchiha stated. Deidara began to laugh, sounding slightly forced.

"Different? ME? No way, I'm the same old drop-dead sexy artist you know you love!"

"I WISH YOU WOULD DROP DEAD!" A deep voice boomed from the next room. Deidara twitched.

"SHUT UP KISAME! Anyway, there is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with me Itachibi." He assured the boy.

"…You stopped saying 'un'." Itachi paused. "And you have been blocking my way to the door for over fifteen minutes now." He reminded the blonde, who was perched precariously across the doorframe, somehow managing to cover almost all of the gaps possible for slipping through.

Deidara blinked. "…Shit…un."

"Why don't you want me to leave?" Itachi demanded with narrowed eyes. Deidara avoided meeting his stare.

"…No reason un."

"…Deidara. Move." The boy ordered the criminal, who shrugged in reply.

"But I'm…comfortable."

Itachi's eyebrow rose. "You are comfortable standing in a grotesque stance in the middle of a doorway?"

The blonde nodded, his long hair bouncing at the action. "Hai. Very much so, un."

"Deidara-" Itachi growled, attempting to find a way to distract his youngest Sensei. "-Tobi was just playing with your clay. He said something about 'dying it a pretty colour for Deidara-sempai as a surprise'."

"Oh hell no, un!" All rational thought flew out the window, or more accurately the now unblocked doorway, as Deidara raced down the hall. Itachi watched him disappear.

_Deidara…what are you hiding?_

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"What are you doing here, Itachi! Fugaku ordered us not to speak to you until you are punished to his satisfaction." Shisui hissed, his eyes scanning the area.

"…Punished? What did I do?"_ Deidara, you had better hope you didn't screw anything up…_

"_What did you do?_ Itachi, you completely disobeyed him! I don't know what has gotten into you these last few days, but you're acting really weird! I suggest you snap out of it before further damage is done. There is already talk. They're saying you could be disinherited as heir if this defiance continues, although that is nothing but exaggerated gossip I'm sure. But seriously, get it together cousin, and fast. Fugaku is not known for his patience."

Itachi was still reeling from shock, but managed to school his expression into a blank slate. "Hai…thank you Shisui, I will...address this problem."

…_Deidara I'm going to KILL YOU!_

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Storming into the cabin with gritted teeth, Itachi cornered the blonde artist. His Sharingan had activated unconsciously and was currently boring through Deidara's head like a laser.

"Oh, Deidara?" he called ever-so-pleasantly. The artist, seeing the fury in those red eyes, tried to bolt.

"Sorry, can't talk, leaving now bye un!"

"Deidara!" Itachi yelled, glaring at the suddenly frozen blonde. "I went to visit the Uchiha compound earlier today…." He began mildly, watching the guilty man flinch. "So let me just ask you this. What. Did. You. _Do?"_ The question ended with a growl.

Deidara coughed into his hand. "Uhm…I don't know what-"

"Do not lie to me Deidara." Itachi interrupted. "Why am I _banished_ from my own home? What could you have _possibly_ done?"

Blue eyes jumped around frantically. "Um…I sorta, maybe, kinda could have defied your father a little…and supposedly the bastard jumped straight to temporary expulsion from the clan…"

Itachi waited. "…There is more?"

"…"

"…Deidara." Itachi had very little patience right now.

All the air left the blonde as he exhaled a long, drawn-out breath. "Ok, ok, I _maybe_ told him to go fuck himself dry with one of those forsaken fans as I left…"

The look on Itachi's face was one never seen before by the artist, who proceeded to panic.

…_Oh Kami…I'm dead. Yep, that's it, life over. Bye-bye life, nice knowing you for this unfortunately shortened time. Well, not really, but hey I can't complain. Just don't let it hurt too bad…Oh who am I kidding, Chibi or not Itachi is not known for being merciful!_

He was too wrapped up in thought to notice the subtle movement of Itachi's hands.

"…_Deidara?"_

"…Hai, un?" He squeaked, cringing._ Don't look at the eyes!_

"**KATSU!" **The Uchiha shouted.

Deidara's eyes widened in shock before he was blasted through a wall. Shakily, the artist pulled himself into what could be considered an upright position and scowled. Damn brat had gotten him with his own technique!

Looking through the new Shinobi-sized hole, Itachi snickered and clutched a long blonde ponytail that had been crudely cut with a Kunai. Turns out minor explosives were great for distraction. Revenge…was totally worth it.

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Itachi knelt on his knees by his father's feet, holding his head low and obviously submissive. Fugaku glared down at his eldest son, lacking the blank expression much of the village saw on a regular basis. Here was his domain, _his _clan, _his _son, he could allow himself to express his displeasure.

"Itachi. You come before me today to beg forgiveness for your sins against myself and the Uchiha clan, correct?"

Itachi did not raise his head. "Hai, sir."

"You must understand that you cannot be so easily forgiven. Not only have you shown a shocking disrespect to the clan head, but the way you have conducted yourself of late is unacceptable." Fugaku said harshly. He looked away from the kneeling boy to contemplate the painted rendering of the classic Uchiha fan on the wall to his right.

"The Uchiha are a clan of superiors. Our genes give us not only great intelligence and natural skill, but also a Kekkei Genkai unrivalled by any." Fugaku boasted. Itachi couldn't help but think that the Hyuuga clan would beg to differ. Fugaku continued without pause.

"Like the flames inherit to us, we ruthlessly burn through all in our path, allowing for new life and an untarnished future to grow from the ashes. However, we cannot prevail through genetics alone. No, we must _discipline_ ourselves, push ourselves to victory regardless of obstacles. Win at all costs, _that_ is what it means to be Uchiha." His gaze narrowed in accusation.

"You, Itachi, have strayed from this ideal recently. Once our greatest budding prodigy, you have now let all discipline slip away. This reckless attitude must end, immediately." The clan head demanded. "Now tell me, are you prepared to accept the responsibilities placed upon you as heir to the Uchiha clan?"

Itachi nodded, inwardly rolling his eyes at the theatrics. "…Hai."

"Then rise, Uchiha Itachi. Aside from myself and the Hokage, you will now bow to no one." Fugaku declared, although his face showed reluctance when he spoke of bowing to the Hokage as well as himself. Interesting.

"Your banishment is now null and void, you may return home. And Itachi –watch your actions from now on." Fugaku warned just before Itachi left the room. The boy inclined his head.

"Hai, Tou-san."

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"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN 'I DON'T KNOW'?" Kisame roared at a glaring Hidan.

"I mean just that dumb shit, _I don't know._" The purple eyed man spat venomously.

"It was your turn to train with him!" Kisame growled. It seemed that _nobody_ knew where Itachi was currently, which had the group in a flurry.

Hidan's eyes narrowed in anger. "No it wasn't, it was yours!" He shot back defensively. "It's Tuesday, I train with the damn brat on Friday!"

Kisame's teeth gritted loudly as he fought to keep his jaw clenched. "And the schedule got messed up when he had that three-day mission remember?" he reminded Hidan sarcastically.

The Jashinist's face pinched bitterly. "And _why_ should I change my plans whenever the midget goes gallivanting across the countryside with his retarded team?" he hissed, just as Itachi entered the room.

"It's not like I _enjoy_ being stuck with those frauds." The young Uchiha frowned in irritation, no doubt recalling his team's latest idiocies. Hidan waved away the intrusion without glancing his way.

"Shut up, you aren't part of this conversation."

Itachi's eye twitched. "It's about _me!_" he protested.

"Kid's got a point...Wait, Itachi, where the hell were you!" Kisame looked down at the dark haired boy from his great height in a poor attempt at intimidation. Itachi sighed.

"Sasuke had a show-and-tell day at the Academy…"

Kisame blinked, not getting it. "And?"

"He brought me."

"He…brought you for show-and tell?" Kisame asked slowly, clearly trying to process the Great Uchiha Itachi being presented like a pet rabbit.

Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose. "Hai…A 'Real Live Ninja' according to the children…Apparently the Senseis don't count because they are working at the Academy, not out on the field."

"Ouch." Kisame winced. That would be a blow to anyone's pride.

Hidan could take being ignored no longer. "WHAT THE FUCK IS SHOW AND TELL?"

"Hidan what the heck kind of childhood did you have, un?" Deidara snorted as he walked in from the kitchen covered in flour. His once beautiful hair hung off-balance around his shoulders, barely long enough to be tied back. It looked even odder since his signature bang was still at normal length, covering one eye, while the other glared at Itachi. "You bring something that'll make the other kids jealous and then you brag about it!"

Hidan's brow furrowed. "…That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and that includes the time Kakuzu sold my fucking liver." He rolled his eyes at the idea.

There was a silence. Itachi, who over time had heard stories of his silver haired Sensei's 'partner', was the first able to regain his wits.

"…Your partner sold your liver?" he clarified in disbelief.

Hidan shrugged irritably. "We were short on cash…And there had been no good bounties recently…"

"I know you've said he was a money-hungry guy, but…" The Uchiha trailed off. Hidan snorted.

"Yeah, the greedy bastard has no morals."

"Says the Jashinist, who loves to torture, maim and kill for no reason at all un." Deidara retorted sarcastically.

Hidan looked scandalised. "In the name of Jashin-sama! That is hardly 'no reason'. Your little firework displays on the other hand-"

"WHAT?" the blonde shouted, throwing his hands up in the air, causing some of the flour to become airborne. He then started sneezing. _That is the LAST time I try and make ANYTHING edible!_

Itachi glanced up and to the side, locking gazes with the frustrated shark beside him. "Kisame, you wouldn't happen to have any sedatives on you?" he inquired lightly. Kisame shook his head.

"Unfortunately no."

"…Damn." Itachi sighed and continued to watch the bickering, hoping it wouldn't lead to more alarming ANBU searches. Thank Kami they were S-class, or they would have been found long ago. The front door slammed open, drawing attention away from the budding fight.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" cried an ecstatic and unmistakable voice. Deidara froze, desperately wishing for it not to be so. But alas, it was. Tobi stood in the doorway with his arms flung wide open, partially blocking Zetsu behind him.

…

…

"Why is Deidara-sempai covered in flour? Oh, oh! Is it a new game? Tobi loves games!" the masked member squealed in a way that reminded Itachi dreadfully of Fangirls.

…

…

"**Tobi, p**erhaps it wi**ll be best if** we come back a**t a later ti**me." Zetsu told the overly enthusiastic man, getting grateful looks from all the other occupants of the room.

Tobi cocked his head ninety degrees to the side in confusion. How was that even possible? "Um…ok Zetsu-san. BYE-BYE DEIARA-SEMPAI!" he called childishly, blowing a kiss in the direction if the seething artist.

"_I HOPE YOU DIE, UN!"_ Deidara screamed, just as the flimsy hair tie slipped off the short ponytail, causing the artist's screams to become hysterically intelligible.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Hidan couldn't take it anymore. All this goodie-two-shoes shit was seriously getting to him. Jashin-sama demanded more sacrifices dammit! Making up his mind, he approached the resident Chibi.

Hidan glared with determination. "I'm fucking sick of this 'no-killing' thing. Jashin-sama needs more than the occasional intruder to remain satisfied with my loyalty! So I'm going on a mother-fucking field trip and if you have a problem with that you can go suck a cock because I'm _going_."

Itachi looked up from sharpening his Kunai. "I have no reason to try and stop you…but when will you return?"

"Depends, how long can you leave this damned village without them going batshit looking for you?" Hidan asked with a casual shrug. Itachi blinked.

"Excuse me?"

Hidan gave a long-suffering sigh, it seemed he had to spell it out for the brat. _'Genius' my ass!_ "As your Sensei I am taking you on this training trip, in which you will be inducted into the serving Jashin-sama!"

"…I must join your religion?" Itachi asked, just to be sure.

"It is a fucking honour you are being given here brat, be grateful that you have the privilege of being trained by Jashin-sama's most loyal follower, or this opportunity would not have come around any time in your previously pathetic existence." Hidan lectured.

"Flattery is not your forte I see." Itachi commented drily. Hidan let out an annoyed 'Tch'.

"Just shut up and answer the fucking question. How long can we be gone?"

"…I will ask Zetsu to have one of his clones take my place. There is no way I'm trusting anyone with a **Henge** again, and Zetsu is a decent actor." Itachi decided. Hidan had to agree.

"Better plan than using the moron Deidara…"

The Uchiha wouldn't argue with that. "My sentiments exactly. When do we leave?"

"As soon as fucking possible!" Hidan replied, excited at the prospect of freedom once again.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Three hours and twenty-six minutes later, Hidan and Itachi were transported outside of Konoha's walls by Tobi via teleportation. Turns out the idiot _was _good for something.

Itachi adjusted his pack. "Where are we going?"

"Doesn't matter. Anyplace with a shitload of people to sacrifice…" Hidan trailed off with a happy expression that could unnerve the Hokage mountains themselves.

Itachi hesitated to speak. "Hidan-sensei…I have never killed anybody before, I'm only a Genin regardless of my status."

Hidan grinned in anticipation. "All the better! Now you can learn the _proper _way to kill someone…instead of selfish reasons other Shinobi have. To save their own skins, complete missions, take out threats…all that shit that they think justifies themselves so they can sleep at night without needing to cry themselves to exhaustion." Hidan rolled his eyes in disgust. "Jashinists are different. We sacrifice life to our god, to honour Him and gain His favour, so we are trusted to carry out other important tasks for Him. One task is recruiting other worthy and powerful people to the cause…Don't go getting a big head, but giving him you as an asset entitles me to a few extra brownie-points."

This peaked his student's curiosity. "How so?"

"Kid, the way things are going, you're gonna be one hell of a tough mother fucker. Add to that whatever benefits Jashin-sama may deem you worthy of and you'll be friggin' unstoppable." Hidan was nearly drooling at the imagined carnage.

Later that night the travellers were huddled around a small fire Itachi created, careful to set up camp far from detection via the steadily rising smoke. Itachi remained silent, simply watching as Hidan held his hand over the flames, allowing it to burn when he came to close to the fiery coals. Once, this action would have disturbing the young boy, but now it was only mildly unsettling, and even that was only when Hidan suggested he join in.

He respectfully declined.

…This was going to be a long trip.

**Sorry again about the wait! Next chapter, Itachi completes the ritual and kill for the first time! Any requests, just send them to me ;)**

**-TITM**


End file.
